on brighter tides

before we get into this i'd just like to say hi to everyone who has stuck around so far and put up with my mindless ramblings and depressions. things started off on a really positive note before falling down hill and i want to get us back into that atmosphere. not everything has been hell this past month and i want to take this post to highlight some of the more positive moments in Sir and i'ze past month. i will in a moment.

also, i was offline during the  "love of lurkers" time so i want to let you all know now, despite how late i am, that you are more than appreciated and welcome to comment on anything i post at anytime. i dont care if it is silly or funny or serious or sad. i dont care if its a question or just a regular comment, i enjoy seeing you guys thoughts and input(:

 so now, what are some of the more positive things happening,
one very big one is that girl that i mentioned back in late august or early september, well i finally confessed to her and turns out shes head over heels for me as well <3 in a few months i will get to meet her and if she choses to she'll be staying with Sir and I<3
im so happy and excited about that!

my father, whos always been really bad at showing he cares, and at having any real relations with his offspring, i like that word....anyway, he's been putting in real effort to remain a constant part of my life. he began this right before and especially after the miscarriage.

Sir has a new job and i may be working again soon as well. this is convienent for us if i get the job i have my fingers on because we would both be located in the same building area so commuting to work on days we both are scheduled wont be a problem that way(we own only one car)

my social anxiety amped up pretty badly these past few weeks but this last week ive pretty much forced myself out of it! im proud of myself for that being that originally it was almost to the point of needing to be medicated.

im learning to talk and assess myself, FINALLY! and am beginning to understand what im feeling and thinking again as well as the reasons behind my asorted actions.

Sir and i found a couple semi-local pagan covens that we actually like and have contacted them in hopes that they will marry us rather than having to go through the christian system. we want our marriage to be authentic and connected to us and being that neither of us are very christian i think itd be very artificial feeling the entire ceremony and such if we wed that way. (we have nothing against most christians we just arent christian ourselves)

theres one more BIG one but im keeping that one a secret for a week or so until i have the picture i want to show it with.

checking lists

Lately, I seem to be on a downward spiral. My whole life up until the pregnancy I delt with bipolar disorder. I knew when id feel how and what to do about it to keep myself in check for the most part. And on days that it'd be too much to control I'd warn everyone of the temper flips coming in. To me my BPD was sanity. It was order and control. I found solace and balance in my set cycle of moods and thought processing.
now, without it, functioning on a "normal" brain, I feel how I imagine anyone without BPD would feel if they suddenly flipped into having the disorder.
Most days I cant even recollect or comprehend my own thoughts or emotions anymore. Sir can ask me if im alright and all I can say is "I don't know" or ill feel fine most of the day and yet he says I look serious or out of wack, I don't feel that way but I must be that way because suddenly an hour or more later ill completely fall apart for no understandable reason.
Even to focus on anything long enough to type this little bit that I have so far is a challenge. How ironic my anti bipolar mind is being explained very much like text book bipolar emotions...though it's nothing like bipolar. Its a lot more unsettling. A lot more MIS understood for me. A lot more reliant on natural stress and me having to somehow find a way to regulate my own thoughts and understanding of my self and normal stress and emotions.

I have a checklist that was written for me. And to you its probably the most common sense "duh!" rules. For me a lot of it is so difficult and alien of a way to process and command my brain. The newest one added in is to focus solely on what im doing in any given moment rather than processing on 20+ different equations. But on that note, how am I supposed to adhere to that when everytime I do find a quiet place inside, I do manage to write and begin to sort through anything Sir is asking to do this or that for him. I can never wait until the journal or conversation is complete its a sudden interruption. Its throwing me off of my balance. Why did i switch that? This is a perfect example. As im attempting to write this all out he has me get up and go open all of his doors, it couldn't wait five more minutes it had to be now. Just moments before he interrupted me right after telling him i finally found a way to write again and he just wouldn't stop! maybe its intentional?? Another person of sorts that I don't yet understand?
*sigh* anyway back to the rules. Im trying though it doesn't show. I really do WANT to follow them all. I know i need to but some days especially the past two weeks its hard. Its a struggle and it isn't made easier with Sirs antics. I wonder if he even realizes what hes doing. Then agaun im still wuite sure that he does. Almost everything is a thought out thing for him hes always five noves ahead in every action set.
Im ranting again so here ill force myself to go back to the list as i intended to originally before this all.
Its rules that to you are probably natural and obvious.
1) dont let the little things get to you.
(but there are so many little things and lots of little things pave the path for much larger things. His is a struggle)
I've begun my old bipolar mantra of everytime something bothers me asking "in seconds is it worth it? Yes! Gibe in ten minutes is it worth it to act this way? Maybe not...." in ten hours? No..we'll be on to something else and this will be nothing but foolish. Then i take a breath and calm down a bit)
2) talk to some one you are NOT! a burden.
3) let go of things quicker
(which brings back to the mantra)
4)remember the golden rule
5) while someone is enjoying something, be quiet until the end. (i had developed the habit of complaining about all the aspects i didn't like about something while someone else was trying to watch or listen to it)
7) don't let other people's stress get to you
(i worry about other people and their qualms very often and how can i help them, how can i take their stress away. Never mind my own issues)
7) TAKE A BREATH
8) help without helping.
(i don't see myself doing that so much as Sir being the one who breaks that normal person rule. But then...these arent his rules to follow they are mine)
9) don't be a pessimist.
(i look at the positives but i also still calculate every negative that can happen. Thus that rule was created and has proven to be very difficult for me to contain to.)
10) enjoy the little things
(I've always been so caught up in the moment I've been failing to see and appreciate the little things...)
11) try not to over react
12) let go of the bad past!
13) normal emotion is not bipolar! Don't handle anything the same.
14) BEST TO TAKE THINGS DAY TO DAY
(i have this highlighted)
15) follow the checklist! This a bonded order.
(it is not sirs checklist but that of someone else i respect and who's orders i must follow)
And 16 is a rule that i myself added to the list: when you are upset you still HAVE to allow people to touch you instead of balling up!

tonight the new year

First she was awoken to him to crawling into bed with her, he had woken a couple hours previous to her, and hind hand quickly finding her pussy. then his cock was rubbing against her getting her hot and hotter. before she knew it he was inside thrusting and not stopping until she was completely spent and unable to bear anymore. then he pushed a little further before giving her a rest.

She regained some strength then pulled out her great big bag of herbs and went to work making a mix for the new year.

strawberry leaf for happiness

one for good luck

another for money

poppy seed for fertility.

one more herb for strength

another for healing

then another for over all continued health

salt for grounding.

 and white sage to ward off negativity.

she mixed it up and ground in the sage then scooped out one spoon into a satchel to wear and carry for the next 30 days. (a full moon cycle)

the rest was to be left in the bowl to either sprinkle out along the lawn by her bedroom window tonight  or later on when she felt it best to do

Nice and calm, now content as well, she left to shower then to the kitchen for some lunch.

Next they went to the mall where Sir had an interview for a job.

HE GOT IT!

she is very happy about this as they both have been low on money and much in need of fresh jobs.

on the way from the mall they were headed to the local park to get some outdoors time together when they received a call. Sir was asked to dob sit for some friends of ours while they went out to dinner tonight. He would be paid for this as well!

So far she thinks the money request in new years satchel is kicking into activation! yay!

then tonight as they arrived to the house to dog sit, she received a much awaited letter online from a girl she cares very much about and has been missing lately. she didn't get to converse with the girl as she had already logged back off, but none the less she was happy.

Despite how well today has been it doesn't change that she needs to realign herself as well.

she has been so lost lately. so unsure of her own thoughts and emotions really so out of touch with herself. and thus the thought crossed her mind of an old psych lesson.

"when your mind is so focused on me me me and i this and and i that what better way to disconnect and see yourself and others more clearly? disconnect. look at things from an outer view. so tonight instead of circling around "how do i feel" and "what am i thinking? i cant think straight. i love sir. I'm hungry. i this i that" she has decided to think externally.

if she thinks as herself as a third person and not an internal aspect maybe she can understand herself better. its like writing a book. you get into your characters head so fully that you become them yet you are still not them you are seeing them as an external unit. she thinks she will treat herself as one of those aspects of research. someone she is looking in on for the night.

and she thinks at this point it is working as she has typed more now than she usually does when in a good mood.

ordinarily she only writes long posts when they are in deff erotica or in the whims of a depression.

tonight is a night of joys and new beginnings. tonight is a happy night which she has spent with her sir and has very much enjoyed every moment of.

punished

Last night we had him on the bed and my self sleeping on the floor.
i strongly believe that every relationship and argument has two sides. I also feel that lately hes been doing well at trying to do better and i haven't been trying hard enough. I feel like if i was trying hard enough itd be more evident and i wouldn't be so bitchy and snappy still. So i asked to be punished last night.
I was asked the question "are you seeking out confrontation with him" prior to the co concreting of this decision.
My answer was as i honestly believed at the moment "no" but i also noticed that i tqitched when saying that
"conciously, no i haven't...but i twitched upon saying that...so maybe subconciously i have been"
I realized in that moment that I've been doing this week the same thing i do in every relationship over reacting and attacking him for no reason but my own insecurities.
"do you want to be punished?"
I was offered blindness, being bound, as well as punishment flogging and sleeping on the floor. I agreed to all of them and told Sir to get onto the bed that tonight he would only be blind. I told him that i was vi ding my own hands but he offered to do that for me.
i took also as my punishment, giving hum head and not allowing myself to enjoy the act. Instead i had to deep throat hum majority of the time doing it as well as reminding my self that this sweet skin, this beautiful body and the man it belonged to have been the target of my unjust attacks. Reminding myself that i was pushing someone so delicious away from myself. That instead of this pleasure o had been giving him instead pain.
After he came i took my flogging on my back and ribs.
Then layes on my back ontoo of the welts forcing myself to further insure the pain and punishment. Before laying down i took the blindfold so as to endure the blindness.
I was to keep the blindfold on until Sir was ready to be awake himself. Then and only then was allowed to see again .
Tonight i think i will again sleep blind on the floor.
Currently i am thinking of having another physical punishment before bed tonight.

day1 attempted friendship

Slowly things are sliding back into place. I still love him of course. I will always love him.

Saturday:
He went to his meeting at the naval station the arrived home around 2.
I was annoyed and snappy as I thought he'd be back at 12. He took my cuts in calm breath and kept himself together though. Composure. A lesson a could certainly do to learn.
After he walked away I sat there and took a deep breath "stop it. You are over reacting again. He couldn't control this. Breathe. Calm down. Be happy its your birthday! Smile. Ok. I've got this"  I stood ready to go and apologize, if today was any hint, we BOTH had a lot to work on.
We soon after headed to the car and the rode to the mall(not much money this week, $26 to my name to be exact so yeah....) to walk around and people watch as well as not so secretly building up our Christmas lists for each other. Even if we are only friends when the time comes we will still gift each other well.
There were a few moments for both of us when wed slip and call each other baby or baby girl, in his case.
A few moments where I know we both wanted to cry and just get list in each other but we knew it would be unhealthy if we allowed it.
Around 6 pm we headed to WalMart and grabbed a cheese cake to bring down to the creek and eat together...i cried my eyes out at one point during this...

around 8 we headed home. Apparently he told the people we are staying with that it's my birthday(I dont find it to be that big of a deal amongst all else that is goibg on so I didn't tell anyone)  because after being home for about half an hour he was called out the room and then i was too "come here please. Clay said this sis t his mess so it must be yours? Clean it up please"
"im sorry" i said walking over while trying to think of what mess I'd have left...only there was no mess but a cake instead. They all wished me happy birthday and again i had to hold back tears.

We returned to the room after sharing the cake and a few gleeful words and jokes as well as my own hugs and "thank you so much"es.

We tried to watch a movie together and behave but for some reason we kissed and i couldn't break from him i wanted it to never end. Wanted to kiss him until everything was normal again. We broke for a moment only to kiss again. This time it was certain that kiss was not ending. My hands were everywhere despite how fiercly he fought to not touch me  inappropriately.
At one point my hand stopped wandering in innocent places stopped groping his ass and slipped into his wait and to brush his cock. he wimpered and i quickly removed my hand. This was a bad idea. We couldn't do this! So why then was it still impossible for me to untangle myself from him? Why everytime that he started to pull away i clung to him and kept him on me. My hand found its way back down his pants and this time he embraced it.
"are we really doing this?" i asked a tinge of fear lacing my breath
"no." he said "we dont have to"
"i want to." and ith that we were lost. I pinned his hands and took him he let me bind his hands and later his ankles. We were completely lost in each other

After we through and laying there breathless but calmed some i whispered "what are we going to do...no no. This changes nothing. We cant just jump back in like that. We are only friends right now" he agreed. Thank goodness because in that moment i had no fight left in me not even for our own good.

He took his blindness as well as chose to stay bound and i led him to his bed on the floor to rest as i laid on the real bed.

scales of justice

im debating on rather or not i want to leave that last post public. but either way, here is the partial resolution to the situation.
i eventually wandered over to my bosses house and told her everything that happened last night and waited it out over there until i was calmer. i still didnt know weather or not  wanted to go home and try to reason with him. i had no idea if he was still in this weird violent mood or not nor did i know what caused it. thats what scared me the most is the flip of a switch to turn him to such n aggressive, scary mess.

i suppose he knew at some point i'd go to her because an hour after arriving myself, here he is at the door. my boss looked at me in a silent question "are you ready?" if i wasnt then he want coming in or even having the door opened.
i took a big breath and nodded. this is the man i love. this is the man im supposed to be marrying. i have to find out what caused this. i have to know if its going to be came a cycle.

"baby girl im sorry. i dont know what happened. can we talk please."
"on the porch. im not talking to you in private"
"ok" he had tears in his eyes. thtas a scary change.
kind sweet amazing dom only causing pain when i want or deserve it. only in a controlled way.
flip a switch.
aggressive frightening unstable man. not my dominant. scary. not afraid to slap and punch and strangle me.
flip a switch.
soft broken man. crying. begging.
i told him to wait outside and id be there in a moment...told my boss to please listen incase i screamed. i didnt know what hed do or if there was another switch coming and i didnt want to find out alone. she agreed and periodicly even stuck her head out the door to see that i was ok. i was so greatful. finally i felt safe again for a few moments.

eventually we talked enough for me to agree to come home under strict conditions.
1) i am not his and nor is he mine.
2)we are not to be alone together at any point.
-if we are the only two people in the house at any moment then we are to be in opposite rooms until further notice
-if we are both in our room, we do not ocupy the same space, ie one on the bed the other on the floor.
-our door is to ALWAYS be open until further notice.
3) we are both to remain clothed around each other.
4)i am always to have a phone on me so i can call for help
5) i am always to be closer to the door than he is
6) no pet or title names. we use only our real names to address each other
7) not my rule but i was in the end greatful for, he was to be made blind until 20 minutes after waking up. originally it was 10 minutes but he woke up early. he bound for most of the night and to sleep on the floor. these were rules set by someone much above him and who is always to honor and respects wishes and rules.
8) our relationship is not to continue as anything more than friends until i am confident that what happened yesterday will not happen again.

CONDITIONS OF EVENTUAL CONTINUATION OF OUR PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS.
1) he is to never lay an aggresive hand on me again unless i ask for it or it is in the pretense of sexual exploration.
2) when ever an argument arises we are to walk away until BOTH are calm again not just him. this has been my rule from the beggining but now will be followed.
3) we are to only discuss and debate on the topic the original argument was on. ie if we are in disagreement on how something was done we talk only of that matter rather than switching into the usual "you always this you always that. why can you ever just ____"
4) when im upset with him i have to start allowing him to touch me gently rather than completely pulling away as ive always done with everyone in times of distress.
5) he will eventually become my husband. he will eventually be reinstated as my dominant. how ever in the case of an argument we are not D/s we are of equal power standing.
6) we are to treat each other with upmost respect at all times possible!
7) i am to work on breaking all of my negative habits and so is he.

being lost

Some days being around Kids is theraputic. It helps so much to feel better and ok for the day.
Today however having this screaming laughing kids in the house in the room opposite to me is driving me insane.
I want to scream o want to cry and scratch and hurt physically instead of mentally. Yet somehow im strong enough to not want to go back to cutting and carving to do this....i guess that's progress that stays if you keep yourself in check for a year.
Im so snappy. So angry so...rigid and fragmented today.
Nothing is going right.
I feel like I have no control in ANYTHING not even my own emotions.
I just want to crawl up into a box and marinate in my own pain in one way. But then another part wants to go out and be that stuburn anxty teen that fights any and everything that looks at her wrong just to get out the pain and put it on someone else.
Another part wants to draw and write and wreck havoc on an imaginary world. That's the healthiest closest part to sane i think.
another part of me wants to leave this place and go for a long walk or run somewhere I've never been where no one knows me and i know no one else. I figure if im goibg to feel alone why not at least find escape in the feelings.
How do you survive? How do you function after losing two babies in one year. After trying so hard to even receive that first one....
I feel like i just cant get a break. Every time i think im on the road to being ok again life reminds me im far from it.
how do you hold onto yourself and stop losing yourself when you are a mother but cant even act as such?
When you are a lover but all you feel is pain and anger?
I kniw this is probably going to subside again a little by tomorrow but right now this is what i have.
A man that tries his best but doesn't understand what's goibg through my head because i cant possibly put into words or picture what im feeling.
A man that thinks im pushing him away when really im just struggling to stand up and stay alive.
I have an empty womb and a broken heart.
I have no money with a birthday, a wedding date, thanks giving, Christmas, rent all piled up on top of each other.
I am lost and i dont know how to fi d my way back home to him even though he is usually laying only feet away from me.