insight

Someone recently told me that when ever writing I have to remember that you all as the readers dont know anything aside from what I write. If I dont write it then you are completely on the dark about alot of things. Originally I had planned to just have you learn as I went but thinking about it now I realize, perhaps a little bit of a backstory couldn't hurt. In fact it would make a lot of what I will come to write to you make a lot more sense.
So where shall begin?
Well from the beginning of it all I suppose. How we met, how we fell in love. How he saved my life and I saved his. How he became my Dominant and I his sub.
I will usually refer to my Sir as "Sir" both when speaking to him and in this blog. But for now my calling him of his title doesn't help you, however I will not disclose his true name here so we call him simply the letter M.

JANIARY OF 2013
I was engaged to a young man I had being swing since August if 2011, we had had a very nasty break up a few months prior but had since worked through the problems and he reearned my trust. It was early this month that I went to visit him for the first time since since that separation before we separated we engaged and trying to concieve. It never happened though. But this visit we made love and I had become pregnant.

FEBRUARY 2013
I began to miscarry on February 14th...i knew instantly what was happening and was completely distraught. I knew I had conceived only two weeks after the sex but we had only received the positive test results on the thirteenth.the very day before I began to miscarry. By the the seventeenth I passed what would have been our daughter. I say this because I believe with all that I am that it would have been a little girl.
Well I called up my fiance crying and begging him to talk to me that I couldn't handle this alone.
His very calm and almost emotionless response was "oh. Im sorry. But hey I cant talk right now"
"what? Why? Please! I need you right now, please!" I couldn't bear the thought that the baby that was so difficult to concieve had just been taken away from me and now my fiance wasn't even there for me in the slightest? Maybe there was a good reason there had to be right? I mean he had changed...i knew he had...
"because im having fun skate boarding wig the guys"
Wow. Well I guess some things actually dont change after all.
A few days later I contacted him and told him I no longer wished to be with him. I couldn't believe how I so believed that man was ready to be a husband and a father just a few days prior.

MARCH 2013
 a close friend of mine discovered that she was pregnant but due to the way the baby had been positioned and the fact that she had remained having periods through the whole thing she had no clue until the baby was 7 months old. It was by chance that the doctors found it in the blood work.
She asked me if I would adopt the child as she knew she was in no state to raise a child.
It felt like a second chance! I was so happy and I thought I was about to be a mommy in a couple months
. Well long story short that turned out to be another tradgedy. She went to have an ultra sound about a week later and to our detriment we discovered that somehow the seven moth old baby had only in most ways devopled to three months. She was born in april but lived only 6 days.

APRIL 2013
I contacted M on an online server and we started talking alot. Both of us were looking for a friend. And we soon discovered that we actually lived really close by to each other. So we soon made plans to meet up.
The very first night we met I knew something was different about him. I was both the most calm and nervous I had ever been around a man. By the end of the night I had kissed him and even made love to him. Ironicly enough I hadn't even had the plans to sleep with hum. For once I wanted to spend some time with a man and just be friends. No sex and no emotions. Just friends. I never intended to open up to him anytime soon either though so why in that night did it feel so natural tokiss him and to make love to him? Why was it impossible for to resist opening up to this man and spilling all my dirty scars out for him. Letting him know about the two girls that I lost as well as my fiance? Why was was it so easy for this very secretive man to oorn up to me about his past addictions in many realms as well as his own loss. The death of his own child years ago. Why was it so natural to let hum hold me and comfort me and let me do the same for him? Why did it feel so right to sleep in his arms that night and why did it feel like my heart and body had known his, all our lives?

MAY2013
I asked M to be my dominant. I told him I just needed a mentor to get me back into the D/s lifestyle as id been out of it the entire time I was with my ex. After a week he agreed. I was happy. But I still wouldn't tell him why I wanted him. Most of me wouldn't even admit it to myself. By the end of this mo th we went on our first date. It was to an eDM show and by the end of the night I think we both knew somehow we had rapidly and with no regard or chance of putting on the breaks had fallen for each other.
Neither of us would admit to the other yet as we were both afraid the other would cut ties and leave. After all we did have that rule of no emotions.
A few nights later he was in another city and I felt something in me just snap at one point. I had this sick feeling and couldn't stop thinking of him. I didn't know why but I felt I had to check on him. I had to know he was ok because something in me was screaming that he wasn't. come to find out he was in alot of trouble. I won't go into high details about weekend or the week that followed. I'll just say that in the course of events unfolding and the fear for his well being we both finally confessed our love.

JUNE 2013
this month we got even closer than we ever imagined we would be and by the end of that month we had moved into a room together in the city of new Orleans with some people that were our friends.

JULY 2013
We discovered that one of the roomates had a very large and dangerous coke addiction and have been out of that place since then