Sunday, June 22, 2014

To be His

"Dance me to your beauty with a burning violen;
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely withen.

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove...
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of. "

In D/s like any relationship, there lie the ups and the downs. With any distance, physical or mental, god forbid the involvement of both, there breeds change in each person that was not met together. And then often times we are left on each a different page. Who we are becomes a question sometimes and what we are looking for, lays unknown by our partner and needs to be unburied.

I've been thinking much, as of late about who I am and who I have become in My Sir's absence as well as how I hold myself before him and the way I chose my words. And the image I have found is a very shameful one.
Pregnancy and hormones aside, I can think of many a instance I've allowed my anxiety disorder and the thoughts it brings to get the best of me. The things I've said, the reactions I've had to some large things and many small things should very rightly be met with a hard beating.
This wont happen though.
We've both been off our game and out of our niche.
Both have a lot to work on.
I wonder, as I contemplate all the work we need to put in, whether the Marriage counselor we have chosen will understand our dynamic or if even we will be permitted to speak so openly on the matter being that Sir is now military personnel and certain things do have to be reported back.

Anyway, I've realized that there are a lot of aspects about us that I miss as well as things I always craved to have present in our relationship that Sir was never comfortable with.

Mainly I want to be allowed to serve him publicly and for him to not be afraid to order for me in public. I want him to be ok with me saying "yes Sir" in public settings and not worrying about what others think.

When we entered into this it was to be a 24/7 commitment, not one limited to our closed doors or lifestyle friendly clubs. Though yes, in these places you can be a bit more laid back and open with who you are, I've always felt that a certain level of the dynamic should be present in all aspects and environments.

When he arrives home (finally! it's been 5 months without him) in a couple of days I would like to speak to him about these things.

I would like to have him see that I realize how much i have been topping from the bottom and that i am ashamed of it, as well as that i miss him acting as my Dom. I miss fearing his disapproval and craving his praise.

I crave nothing more than to serve him the way I used to, to see him smile and to make him happy.
I crave to serve him and to be needed by and used by him.
I need to be fully his once more in more ways than just emotionally and mentally.

We have a long way to go but I hope I am on the right track.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Flaying the Beast

Writing used to be so simple. It was like opening my mind to my fingers and just letting the thoughts flow out like water from a pitcher. These days its a little harder to find any words, even just in the every day conversations with my own Dom and husband.

Partially, I think this is due to my constant worry lately. What with he baby's birth being only about a month away and having not been in my husbands arms since January 27th and my return date to him being tentative at best. We are now on our third estimated date and even now it is not guaranteed. *fingers crossed that all goes well this coming Monday*

But I think my obstinance and withdrawal stems from something much deeper than just this.
But what?

And there's that block again. It's as if my mind is hiding something from itself. As if, if I get anywhere near discovering what IT is, finding what is festering and brewing withen me, that I would crumble and blow away like dust to old ruins.

Soon I will be seeing a therapist regularly. I know with all that I am that I need this and that it will be a huge step forward but some large part of me is afraid of who I will find staring back at me when I am forced to remove the sheet from the mirror and stare so deeply into my own eyes.

What will happen when years of torment, abuse, depression, anxiety, lies, and insecurities are dragged to the surface and splayed out in a neat pile of bloody emotions and repressed thoughts and analyzed with precice strokes of pen and prodding words? When I myself am forced to endure and understand all that I am and have been?

Will it make it easier to bear because my husband and Dom will be there for half of these sessions or will it make it that much more messy and traumatizing?

Who are we really when the theatrical lights go out and there's no where left to hide?
Do we ever really know ourselves?
And really we truly handle the truth?

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Trials and Tribulations

After being away for awhile I have a bit on my head tonight and this always seems to be the place that my thoughts can flow forth. in my head, i cant even access or decode most of them. i get so scattered and focused in on solely the day to day tasks and my emotions that the thoughts behind them all seem to get pushed back and vanish until forced out with ink on paper or dancing fingers on an illuminated surface tapping out to a rhythm of their own accord.
Its another late night and Sir sleeps beside me.
He's been sick for the past few days and today and yesterday he's hardly managed to walk or stay awake. Got him his medicine and some powerade as well as food when ever he does ask for it.
after 6 weeks of searching I have today, finally found a OB doctor who will take care of little one and I during this pregnancy.
the days until Sir leaves for the three months of military time are getting closer too quickly.
An entire trimester without him and after two miscarriages last year in scared to death to go through this pregnancy at all without him.
Today is the 8th he has going away parties on the 20th and 25th ships out on the 26th, paper work on the 17th, deps meeting on the 15th, so this month is busy and racing by and its really knocking me off kilter. Add to it the emotional rolar coaster of closing in the first trimester being pregnant and old abandonment issues and you can probably guess I've been a fragile mess.

But I don't want to be misses gloom and doom as if there are no sunshine's or rays of light in our world. Though we are struggling I know things will get much better after this time has passed. And for the time being at least we still have each other for a couple weeks....
We are now married as of 27.Dec.13 (FINALLY!)
and this pregnancy, so far has had no complications.
On that note, the increased bormines have made sex even more intense and amazing! Dropping into subspace after only a couple intense orgasms.
I'm staying with a friend who can help me through all the trials and tribulations of becoming a mommy while Sir is away. That puts me to ease alot to know at least I won'tt be going about this completely blind and alone.

Monday, December 9, 2013

the big news and updates

These past two days spent with Sir have been amazing.
Saturday we spent with his family for his grandmother and aunts birthday. The day, despite my worries, was very fun. Lies of food and lots of laughs. Granted I didn't exactly manage to eat much of it despite my best attempts.
Yesterday I got called into baby sit, finally work again for the first time in over a month. Looks like I'll be working 3 days a week again but for a raise equivalent to working 4 days.

That was a great load of stress of my shoulders.

Christmas and Yule are getting closer, this year we are celebrating with his family AND mine so it will celebrated mostly only as Christmas...thats fine. Lots of food and festive attitudes.
as well as finally getting married. A couple months late but still just in time.

I've been very emotional lately and very sentimental at heart.
Its getting closer to time for me to write his farewell letter for his plane ride into boot camp come this January 27th.

You may have figured out now that the  previous mentioned news  is......

Made it past implantation a couple weeks ago and are now healthy and finishing up week 7.
We are beyond excited about this, Sir and I.
I guess it's true what they say, third times the charm.

Friday, November 22, 2013

faith in humanity: restored

on the internet more negative trends and experiments are usually focussed on and advertised pushed to viral. but every so often something truly heart warming and amazing shows up...
for me its this video.
what would happen if you just let your gaurd down and talked to someone new?
you might be amazed. but you never really know unless you give it a try.
these people were given a little nudge to share a very playful space and see what happened.

fun amung the wreckage

with all the stress of life lately things have been a bit difficult to keep upbeat.
the sex has been absent for a few days which almost unheard of for us two.
the D/s hasnt been showing much lately either which is dissapointing to say the least. this is mostly my fault.
so the past few days that Sir has worked ive decided to pick out all of his clothes and such and everything he needs for work and have them assembled for when he wakes in the morning. this way he can get about 15-20 extra minutes of sleep in every morning as well as wake a little less scattered and hurried.
step one in showing him my submission and reminding him a little more through action above word that i love him and i love to serve him.
last night before bed i decided as an additional treat to my stressed out Sir, that 10 minutes before six (he has to leave by six thirty every morning) that id wake him up with a bit of oral.
i lightly scratched my fingers on his v cut then rubbed at his penis a little before surprising him with the oral once he was stirred enough to be slightly awake.
just when i had him to the point right before he usually cums from oral he stopped me and instructed to get on the edge of the bed and give him my legs.
and here i thought i was the only one with a sneaky plan!
he finished fucking me in a few assorted positions just in time for the six twenty mark for him to clean up and dress.

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Starting out in the blogging world you kind of have a lot to sort through. Who interests you, who to follow what to read.
What your style of writing is what to write about.
What not to include what to include above all else.
Hell I'm still learning much of this myself.
And in the process you're trying to be found and build a following and sometimes that tough especially after the glow of being a new interest in the blogging world dies down it gets even harder to get new followers.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a bubble only reaching the same people day in and day out not expanding very well not finding new people to read and learn about either. We either get complacency it discouraged and some just stop writing all together. We all get in a funk at one point it another I've always been guilty of leaving to start a new a blog when things slow down initially. This time though I really want to stick with it and see where this page heads. I enjoy reading about the people I follow and getting courage or new ideas from them. I enjoy the rare input on my own posts here.
And I figured, maybe some of you don't know the writers on about to list, if not, give them a read and if you enjoy it, don't be shy, subscribe to them (:

My too 5 in no specific order
Her snarky insight always brings a smile about while reading
A true slave in the lifestyle, she paints a perfect picture of the struggles and love we all hope to experience. And in times of difficulty she offers words to breed courage
Shadow, who is my Sir @
Granted I am a little biased in this one but I love seeing his side of things and getting a glimpse inside his head here and there
Always a thought provoking topic to be found here and always beautifully written.
Also, H.S. @
Another writer who has a way with words and will leave you smiling by the end.