Sunday, June 22, 2014

To be His

"Dance me to your beauty with a burning violen;
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely withen.

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove...
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of. "

In D/s like any relationship, there lie the ups and the downs. With any distance, physical or mental, god forbid the involvement of both, there breeds change in each person that was not met together. And then often times we are left on each a different page. Who we are becomes a question sometimes and what we are looking for, lays unknown by our partner and needs to be unburied.

I've been thinking much, as of late about who I am and who I have become in My Sir's absence as well as how I hold myself before him and the way I chose my words. And the image I have found is a very shameful one.
Pregnancy and hormones aside, I can think of many a instance I've allowed my anxiety disorder and the thoughts it brings to get the best of me. The things I've said, the reactions I've had to some large things and many small things should very rightly be met with a hard beating.
This wont happen though.
We've both been off our game and out of our niche.
Both have a lot to work on.
I wonder, as I contemplate all the work we need to put in, whether the Marriage counselor we have chosen will understand our dynamic or if even we will be permitted to speak so openly on the matter being that Sir is now military personnel and certain things do have to be reported back.

Anyway, I've realized that there are a lot of aspects about us that I miss as well as things I always craved to have present in our relationship that Sir was never comfortable with.

Mainly I want to be allowed to serve him publicly and for him to not be afraid to order for me in public. I want him to be ok with me saying "yes Sir" in public settings and not worrying about what others think.

When we entered into this it was to be a 24/7 commitment, not one limited to our closed doors or lifestyle friendly clubs. Though yes, in these places you can be a bit more laid back and open with who you are, I've always felt that a certain level of the dynamic should be present in all aspects and environments.

When he arrives home (finally! it's been 5 months without him) in a couple of days I would like to speak to him about these things.

I would like to have him see that I realize how much i have been topping from the bottom and that i am ashamed of it, as well as that i miss him acting as my Dom. I miss fearing his disapproval and craving his praise.

I crave nothing more than to serve him the way I used to, to see him smile and to make him happy.
I crave to serve him and to be needed by and used by him.
I need to be fully his once more in more ways than just emotionally and mentally.

We have a long way to go but I hope I am on the right track.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Flaying the Beast

Writing used to be so simple. It was like opening my mind to my fingers and just letting the thoughts flow out like water from a pitcher. These days its a little harder to find any words, even just in the every day conversations with my own Dom and husband.

Partially, I think this is due to my constant worry lately. What with he baby's birth being only about a month away and having not been in my husbands arms since January 27th and my return date to him being tentative at best. We are now on our third estimated date and even now it is not guaranteed. *fingers crossed that all goes well this coming Monday*

But I think my obstinance and withdrawal stems from something much deeper than just this.
But what?

And there's that block again. It's as if my mind is hiding something from itself. As if, if I get anywhere near discovering what IT is, finding what is festering and brewing withen me, that I would crumble and blow away like dust to old ruins.

Soon I will be seeing a therapist regularly. I know with all that I am that I need this and that it will be a huge step forward but some large part of me is afraid of who I will find staring back at me when I am forced to remove the sheet from the mirror and stare so deeply into my own eyes.

What will happen when years of torment, abuse, depression, anxiety, lies, and insecurities are dragged to the surface and splayed out in a neat pile of bloody emotions and repressed thoughts and analyzed with precice strokes of pen and prodding words? When I myself am forced to endure and understand all that I am and have been?

Will it make it easier to bear because my husband and Dom will be there for half of these sessions or will it make it that much more messy and traumatizing?

Who are we really when the theatrical lights go out and there's no where left to hide?
Do we ever really know ourselves?
And really we truly handle the truth?