"Dance me to your beauty with a burning violen;
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely withen.
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove...
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of. "
In D/s like any relationship, there lie the ups and the downs. With any distance, physical or mental, god forbid the involvement of both, there breeds change in each person that was not met together. And then often times we are left on each a different page. Who we are becomes a question sometimes and what we are looking for, lays unknown by our partner and needs to be unburied.
I've been thinking much, as of late about who I am and who I have become in My Sir's absence as well as how I hold myself before him and the way I chose my words. And the image I have found is a very shameful one.
Pregnancy and hormones aside, I can think of many a instance I've allowed my anxiety disorder and the thoughts it brings to get the best of me. The things I've said, the reactions I've had to some large things and many small things should very rightly be met with a hard beating.
This wont happen though.
We've both been off our game and out of our niche.
Both have a lot to work on.
I wonder, as I contemplate all the work we need to put in, whether the Marriage counselor we have chosen will understand our dynamic or if even we will be permitted to speak so openly on the matter being that Sir is now military personnel and certain things do have to be reported back.
Anyway, I've realized that there are a lot of aspects about us that I miss as well as things I always craved to have present in our relationship that Sir was never comfortable with.
Mainly I want to be allowed to serve him publicly and for him to not be afraid to order for me in public. I want him to be ok with me saying "yes Sir" in public settings and not worrying about what others think.
When we entered into this it was to be a 24/7 commitment, not one limited to our closed doors or lifestyle friendly clubs. Though yes, in these places you can be a bit more laid back and open with who you are, I've always felt that a certain level of the dynamic should be present in all aspects and environments.
When he arrives home (finally! it's been 5 months without him) in a couple of days I would like to speak to him about these things.
I would like to have him see that I realize how much i have been topping from the bottom and that i am ashamed of it, as well as that i miss him acting as my Dom. I miss fearing his disapproval and craving his praise.
I crave nothing more than to serve him the way I used to, to see him smile and to make him happy.
I crave to serve him and to be needed by and used by him.
I need to be fully his once more in more ways than just emotionally and mentally.
We have a long way to go but I hope I am on the right track.