Friday, November 22, 2013

faith in humanity: restored

on the internet more negative trends and experiments are usually focussed on and advertised pushed to viral. but every so often something truly heart warming and amazing shows up...
for me its this video.
what would happen if you just let your gaurd down and talked to someone new?
you might be amazed. but you never really know unless you give it a try.
these people were given a little nudge to share a very playful space and see what happened.

fun amung the wreckage

with all the stress of life lately things have been a bit difficult to keep upbeat.
the sex has been absent for a few days which almost unheard of for us two.
the D/s hasnt been showing much lately either which is dissapointing to say the least. this is mostly my fault.
so the past few days that Sir has worked ive decided to pick out all of his clothes and such and everything he needs for work and have them assembled for when he wakes in the morning. this way he can get about 15-20 extra minutes of sleep in every morning as well as wake a little less scattered and hurried.
step one in showing him my submission and reminding him a little more through action above word that i love him and i love to serve him.
last night before bed i decided as an additional treat to my stressed out Sir, that 10 minutes before six (he has to leave by six thirty every morning) that id wake him up with a bit of oral.
i lightly scratched my fingers on his v cut then rubbed at his penis a little before surprising him with the oral once he was stirred enough to be slightly awake.
just when i had him to the point right before he usually cums from oral he stopped me and instructed to get on the edge of the bed and give him my legs.
and here i thought i was the only one with a sneaky plan!
he finished fucking me in a few assorted positions just in time for the six twenty mark for him to clean up and dress.

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Starting out in the blogging world you kind of have a lot to sort through. Who interests you, who to follow what to read.
What your style of writing is what to write about.
What not to include what to include above all else.
Hell I'm still learning much of this myself.
And in the process you're trying to be found and build a following and sometimes that tough especially after the glow of being a new interest in the blogging world dies down it gets even harder to get new followers.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a bubble only reaching the same people day in and day out not expanding very well not finding new people to read and learn about either. We either get complacency it discouraged and some just stop writing all together. We all get in a funk at one point it another I've always been guilty of leaving to start a new a blog when things slow down initially. This time though I really want to stick with it and see where this page heads. I enjoy reading about the people I follow and getting courage or new ideas from them. I enjoy the rare input on my own posts here.
And I figured, maybe some of you don't know the writers on about to list, if not, give them a read and if you enjoy it, don't be shy, subscribe to them (:

My too 5 in no specific order
Her snarky insight always brings a smile about while reading
A true slave in the lifestyle, she paints a perfect picture of the struggles and love we all hope to experience. And in times of difficulty she offers words to breed courage
Shadow, who is my Sir @
Granted I am a little biased in this one but I love seeing his side of things and getting a glimpse inside his head here and there
Always a thought provoking topic to be found here and always beautifully written.
Also, H.S. @
Another writer who has a way with words and will leave you smiling by the end.

on brighter tides

before we get into this i'd just like to say hi to everyone who has stuck around so far and put up with my mindless ramblings and depressions. things started off on a really positive note before falling down hill and i want to get us back into that atmosphere. not everything has been hell this past month and i want to take this post to highlight some of the more positive moments in Sir and i'ze past month. i will in a moment.

also, i was offline during the  "love of lurkers" time so i want to let you all know now, despite how late i am, that you are more than appreciated and welcome to comment on anything i post at anytime. i dont care if it is silly or funny or serious or sad. i dont care if its a question or just a regular comment, i enjoy seeing you guys thoughts and input(:

 so now, what are some of the more positive things happening,
one very big one is that girl that i mentioned back in late august or early september, well i finally confessed to her and turns out shes head over heels for me as well <3 in a few months i will get to meet her and if she choses to she'll be staying with Sir and I<3
im so happy and excited about that!

my father, whos always been really bad at showing he cares, and at having any real relations with his offspring, i like that word....anyway, he's been putting in real effort to remain a constant part of my life. he began this right before and especially after the miscarriage.

Sir has a new job and i may be working again soon as well. this is convienent for us if i get the job i have my fingers on because we would both be located in the same building area so commuting to work on days we both are scheduled wont be a problem that way(we own only one car)

my social anxiety amped up pretty badly these past few weeks but this last week ive pretty much forced myself out of it! im proud of myself for that being that originally it was almost to the point of needing to be medicated.

im learning to talk and assess myself, FINALLY! and am beginning to understand what im feeling and thinking again as well as the reasons behind my asorted actions.

Sir and i found a couple semi-local pagan covens that we actually like and have contacted them in hopes that they will marry us rather than having to go through the christian system. we want our marriage to be authentic and connected to us and being that neither of us are very christian i think itd be very artificial feeling the entire ceremony and such if we wed that way. (we have nothing against most christians we just arent christian ourselves)

theres one more BIG one but im keeping that one a secret for a week or so until i have the picture i want to show it with.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

checking lists

Lately, I seem to be on a downward spiral. My whole life up until the pregnancy I delt with bipolar disorder. I knew when id feel how and what to do about it to keep myself in check for the most part. And on days that it'd be too much to control I'd warn everyone of the temper flips coming in. To me my BPD was sanity. It was order and control. I found solace and balance in my set cycle of moods and thought processing.
now, without it, functioning on a "normal" brain, I feel how I imagine anyone without BPD would feel if they suddenly flipped into having the disorder.
Most days I cant even recollect or comprehend my own thoughts or emotions anymore. Sir can ask me if im alright and all I can say is "I don't know" or ill feel fine most of the day and yet he says I look serious or out of wack, I don't feel that way but I must be that way because suddenly an hour or more later ill completely fall apart for no understandable reason.
Even to focus on anything long enough to type this little bit that I have so far is a challenge. How ironic my anti bipolar mind is being explained very much like text book bipolar emotions...though it's nothing like bipolar. Its a lot more unsettling. A lot more MIS understood for me. A lot more reliant on natural stress and me having to somehow find a way to regulate my own thoughts and understanding of my self and normal stress and emotions.

I have a checklist that was written for me. And to you its probably the most common sense "duh!" rules. For me a lot of it is so difficult and alien of a way to process and command my brain. The newest one added in is to focus solely on what im doing in any given moment rather than processing on 20+ different equations. But on that note, how am I supposed to adhere to that when everytime I do find a quiet place inside, I do manage to write and begin to sort through anything Sir is asking to do this or that for him. I can never wait until the journal or conversation is complete its a sudden interruption. Its throwing me off of my balance. Why did i switch that? This is a perfect example. As im attempting to write this all out he has me get up and go open all of his doors, it couldn't wait five more minutes it had to be now. Just moments before he interrupted me right after telling him i finally found a way to write again and he just wouldn't stop! maybe its intentional?? Another person of sorts that I don't yet understand?
*sigh* anyway back to the rules. Im trying though it doesn't show. I really do WANT to follow them all. I know i need to but some days especially the past two weeks its hard. Its a struggle and it isn't made easier with Sirs antics. I wonder if he even realizes what hes doing. Then agaun im still wuite sure that he does. Almost everything is a thought out thing for him hes always five noves ahead in every action set.
Im ranting again so here ill force myself to go back to the list as i intended to originally before this all.
Its rules that to you are probably natural and obvious.
1) dont let the little things get to you.
(but there are so many little things and lots of little things pave the path for much larger things. His is a struggle)
I've begun my old bipolar mantra of everytime something bothers me asking "in seconds is it worth it? Yes! Gibe in ten minutes is it worth it to act this way? Maybe not...." in ten hours? No..we'll be on to something else and this will be nothing but foolish. Then i take a breath and calm down a bit)
2) talk to some one you are NOT! a burden.
3) let go of things quicker
(which brings back to the mantra)
4)remember the golden rule
5) while someone is enjoying something, be quiet until the end. (i had developed the habit of complaining about all the aspects i didn't like about something while someone else was trying to watch or listen to it)
7) don't let other people's stress get to you
(i worry about other people and their qualms very often and how can i help them, how can i take their stress away. Never mind my own issues)
8) help without helping.
(i don't see myself doing that so much as Sir being the one who breaks that normal person rule. But then...these arent his rules to follow they are mine)
9) don't be a pessimist.
(i look at the positives but i also still calculate every negative that can happen. Thus that rule was created and has proven to be very difficult for me to contain to.)
10) enjoy the little things
(I've always been so caught up in the moment I've been failing to see and appreciate the little things...)
11) try not to over react
12) let go of the bad past!
13) normal emotion is not bipolar! Don't handle anything the same.
(i have this highlighted)
15) follow the checklist! This a bonded order.
(it is not sirs checklist but that of someone else i respect and who's orders i must follow)
And 16 is a rule that i myself added to the list: when you are upset you still HAVE to allow people to touch you instead of balling up!