Monday, December 9, 2013

the big news and updates

These past two days spent with Sir have been amazing.
Saturday we spent with his family for his grandmother and aunts birthday. The day, despite my worries, was very fun. Lies of food and lots of laughs. Granted I didn't exactly manage to eat much of it despite my best attempts.
Yesterday I got called into baby sit, finally work again for the first time in over a month. Looks like I'll be working 3 days a week again but for a raise equivalent to working 4 days.

That was a great load of stress of my shoulders.

Christmas and Yule are getting closer, this year we are celebrating with his family AND mine so it will celebrated mostly only as Christmas...thats fine. Lots of food and festive attitudes.
as well as finally getting married. A couple months late but still just in time.

I've been very emotional lately and very sentimental at heart.
Its getting closer to time for me to write his farewell letter for his plane ride into boot camp come this January 27th.

You may have figured out now that the  previous mentioned news  is......

Made it past implantation a couple weeks ago and are now healthy and finishing up week 7.
We are beyond excited about this, Sir and I.
I guess it's true what they say, third times the charm.

Friday, November 22, 2013

faith in humanity: restored

on the internet more negative trends and experiments are usually focussed on and advertised pushed to viral. but every so often something truly heart warming and amazing shows up...
for me its this video.
what would happen if you just let your gaurd down and talked to someone new?
you might be amazed. but you never really know unless you give it a try.
these people were given a little nudge to share a very playful space and see what happened.

fun amung the wreckage

with all the stress of life lately things have been a bit difficult to keep upbeat.
the sex has been absent for a few days which almost unheard of for us two.
the D/s hasnt been showing much lately either which is dissapointing to say the least. this is mostly my fault.
so the past few days that Sir has worked ive decided to pick out all of his clothes and such and everything he needs for work and have them assembled for when he wakes in the morning. this way he can get about 15-20 extra minutes of sleep in every morning as well as wake a little less scattered and hurried.
step one in showing him my submission and reminding him a little more through action above word that i love him and i love to serve him.
last night before bed i decided as an additional treat to my stressed out Sir, that 10 minutes before six (he has to leave by six thirty every morning) that id wake him up with a bit of oral.
i lightly scratched my fingers on his v cut then rubbed at his penis a little before surprising him with the oral once he was stirred enough to be slightly awake.
just when i had him to the point right before he usually cums from oral he stopped me and instructed to get on the edge of the bed and give him my legs.
and here i thought i was the only one with a sneaky plan!
he finished fucking me in a few assorted positions just in time for the six twenty mark for him to clean up and dress.

Thursday, November 21, 2013


Starting out in the blogging world you kind of have a lot to sort through. Who interests you, who to follow what to read.
What your style of writing is what to write about.
What not to include what to include above all else.
Hell I'm still learning much of this myself.
And in the process you're trying to be found and build a following and sometimes that tough especially after the glow of being a new interest in the blogging world dies down it gets even harder to get new followers.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a bubble only reaching the same people day in and day out not expanding very well not finding new people to read and learn about either. We either get complacency it discouraged and some just stop writing all together. We all get in a funk at one point it another I've always been guilty of leaving to start a new a blog when things slow down initially. This time though I really want to stick with it and see where this page heads. I enjoy reading about the people I follow and getting courage or new ideas from them. I enjoy the rare input on my own posts here.
And I figured, maybe some of you don't know the writers on about to list, if not, give them a read and if you enjoy it, don't be shy, subscribe to them (:

My too 5 in no specific order
Her snarky insight always brings a smile about while reading
A true slave in the lifestyle, she paints a perfect picture of the struggles and love we all hope to experience. And in times of difficulty she offers words to breed courage
Shadow, who is my Sir @
Granted I am a little biased in this one but I love seeing his side of things and getting a glimpse inside his head here and there
Always a thought provoking topic to be found here and always beautifully written.
Also, H.S. @
Another writer who has a way with words and will leave you smiling by the end.

on brighter tides

before we get into this i'd just like to say hi to everyone who has stuck around so far and put up with my mindless ramblings and depressions. things started off on a really positive note before falling down hill and i want to get us back into that atmosphere. not everything has been hell this past month and i want to take this post to highlight some of the more positive moments in Sir and i'ze past month. i will in a moment.

also, i was offline during the  "love of lurkers" time so i want to let you all know now, despite how late i am, that you are more than appreciated and welcome to comment on anything i post at anytime. i dont care if it is silly or funny or serious or sad. i dont care if its a question or just a regular comment, i enjoy seeing you guys thoughts and input(:

 so now, what are some of the more positive things happening,
one very big one is that girl that i mentioned back in late august or early september, well i finally confessed to her and turns out shes head over heels for me as well <3 in a few months i will get to meet her and if she choses to she'll be staying with Sir and I<3
im so happy and excited about that!

my father, whos always been really bad at showing he cares, and at having any real relations with his offspring, i like that word....anyway, he's been putting in real effort to remain a constant part of my life. he began this right before and especially after the miscarriage.

Sir has a new job and i may be working again soon as well. this is convienent for us if i get the job i have my fingers on because we would both be located in the same building area so commuting to work on days we both are scheduled wont be a problem that way(we own only one car)

my social anxiety amped up pretty badly these past few weeks but this last week ive pretty much forced myself out of it! im proud of myself for that being that originally it was almost to the point of needing to be medicated.

im learning to talk and assess myself, FINALLY! and am beginning to understand what im feeling and thinking again as well as the reasons behind my asorted actions.

Sir and i found a couple semi-local pagan covens that we actually like and have contacted them in hopes that they will marry us rather than having to go through the christian system. we want our marriage to be authentic and connected to us and being that neither of us are very christian i think itd be very artificial feeling the entire ceremony and such if we wed that way. (we have nothing against most christians we just arent christian ourselves)

theres one more BIG one but im keeping that one a secret for a week or so until i have the picture i want to show it with.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

checking lists

Lately, I seem to be on a downward spiral. My whole life up until the pregnancy I delt with bipolar disorder. I knew when id feel how and what to do about it to keep myself in check for the most part. And on days that it'd be too much to control I'd warn everyone of the temper flips coming in. To me my BPD was sanity. It was order and control. I found solace and balance in my set cycle of moods and thought processing.
now, without it, functioning on a "normal" brain, I feel how I imagine anyone without BPD would feel if they suddenly flipped into having the disorder.
Most days I cant even recollect or comprehend my own thoughts or emotions anymore. Sir can ask me if im alright and all I can say is "I don't know" or ill feel fine most of the day and yet he says I look serious or out of wack, I don't feel that way but I must be that way because suddenly an hour or more later ill completely fall apart for no understandable reason.
Even to focus on anything long enough to type this little bit that I have so far is a challenge. How ironic my anti bipolar mind is being explained very much like text book bipolar emotions...though it's nothing like bipolar. Its a lot more unsettling. A lot more MIS understood for me. A lot more reliant on natural stress and me having to somehow find a way to regulate my own thoughts and understanding of my self and normal stress and emotions.

I have a checklist that was written for me. And to you its probably the most common sense "duh!" rules. For me a lot of it is so difficult and alien of a way to process and command my brain. The newest one added in is to focus solely on what im doing in any given moment rather than processing on 20+ different equations. But on that note, how am I supposed to adhere to that when everytime I do find a quiet place inside, I do manage to write and begin to sort through anything Sir is asking to do this or that for him. I can never wait until the journal or conversation is complete its a sudden interruption. Its throwing me off of my balance. Why did i switch that? This is a perfect example. As im attempting to write this all out he has me get up and go open all of his doors, it couldn't wait five more minutes it had to be now. Just moments before he interrupted me right after telling him i finally found a way to write again and he just wouldn't stop! maybe its intentional?? Another person of sorts that I don't yet understand?
*sigh* anyway back to the rules. Im trying though it doesn't show. I really do WANT to follow them all. I know i need to but some days especially the past two weeks its hard. Its a struggle and it isn't made easier with Sirs antics. I wonder if he even realizes what hes doing. Then agaun im still wuite sure that he does. Almost everything is a thought out thing for him hes always five noves ahead in every action set.
Im ranting again so here ill force myself to go back to the list as i intended to originally before this all.
Its rules that to you are probably natural and obvious.
1) dont let the little things get to you.
(but there are so many little things and lots of little things pave the path for much larger things. His is a struggle)
I've begun my old bipolar mantra of everytime something bothers me asking "in seconds is it worth it? Yes! Gibe in ten minutes is it worth it to act this way? Maybe not...." in ten hours? No..we'll be on to something else and this will be nothing but foolish. Then i take a breath and calm down a bit)
2) talk to some one you are NOT! a burden.
3) let go of things quicker
(which brings back to the mantra)
4)remember the golden rule
5) while someone is enjoying something, be quiet until the end. (i had developed the habit of complaining about all the aspects i didn't like about something while someone else was trying to watch or listen to it)
7) don't let other people's stress get to you
(i worry about other people and their qualms very often and how can i help them, how can i take their stress away. Never mind my own issues)
8) help without helping.
(i don't see myself doing that so much as Sir being the one who breaks that normal person rule. But then...these arent his rules to follow they are mine)
9) don't be a pessimist.
(i look at the positives but i also still calculate every negative that can happen. Thus that rule was created and has proven to be very difficult for me to contain to.)
10) enjoy the little things
(I've always been so caught up in the moment I've been failing to see and appreciate the little things...)
11) try not to over react
12) let go of the bad past!
13) normal emotion is not bipolar! Don't handle anything the same.
(i have this highlighted)
15) follow the checklist! This a bonded order.
(it is not sirs checklist but that of someone else i respect and who's orders i must follow)
And 16 is a rule that i myself added to the list: when you are upset you still HAVE to allow people to touch you instead of balling up!

Thursday, October 31, 2013

tonight the new year

First she was awoken to him to crawling into bed with her, he had woken a couple hours previous to her, and hind hand quickly finding her pussy. then his cock was rubbing against her getting her hot and hotter. before she knew it he was inside thrusting and not stopping until she was completely spent and unable to bear anymore. then he pushed a little further before giving her a rest.
She regained some strength then pulled out her great big bag of herbs and went to work making a mix for the new year.
strawberry leaf for happiness
one for good luck
another for money
poppy seed for fertility.
one more herb for strength
another for healing
then another for over all continued health
salt for grounding.
 and white sage to ward off negativity.

she mixed it up and ground in the sage then scooped out one spoon into a satchel to wear and carry for the next 30 days. (a full moon cycle)
the rest was to be left in the bowl to either sprinkle out along the lawn by her bedroom window tonight  or later on when she felt it best to do

Nice and calm, now content as well, she left to shower then to the kitchen for some lunch.

Next they went to the mall where Sir had an interview for a job.
she is very happy about this as they both have been low on money and much in need of fresh jobs.
on the way from the mall they were headed to the local park to get some outdoors time together when they received a call. Sir was asked to dob sit for some friends of ours while they went out to dinner tonight. He would be paid for this as well!

So far she thinks the money request in new years satchel is kicking into activation! yay!

then tonight as they arrived to the house to dog sit, she received a much awaited letter online from a girl she cares very much about and has been missing lately. she didn't get to converse with the girl as she had already logged back off, but none the less she was happy.

Despite how well today has been it doesn't change that she needs to realign herself as well.
she has been so lost lately. so unsure of her own thoughts and emotions really so out of touch with herself. and thus the thought crossed her mind of an old psych lesson.

"when your mind is so focused on me me me and i this and and i that what better way to disconnect and see yourself and others more clearly? disconnect. look at things from an outer view. so tonight instead of circling around "how do i feel" and "what am i thinking? i cant think straight. i love sir. I'm hungry. i this i that" she has decided to think externally.

if she thinks as herself as a third person and not an internal aspect maybe she can understand herself better. its like writing a book. you get into your characters head so fully that you become them yet you are still not them you are seeing them as an external unit. she thinks she will treat herself as one of those aspects of research. someone she is looking in on for the night.
and she thinks at this point it is working as she has typed more now than she usually does when in a good mood.
ordinarily she only writes long posts when they are in deff erotica or in the whims of a depression.
tonight is a night of joys and new beginnings. tonight is a happy night which she has spent with her sir and has very much enjoyed every moment of.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


Last night we had him on the bed and my self sleeping on the floor.
i strongly believe that every relationship and argument has two sides. I also feel that lately hes been doing well at trying to do better and i haven't been trying hard enough. I feel like if i was trying hard enough itd be more evident and i wouldn't be so bitchy and snappy still. So i asked to be punished last night.
I was asked the question "are you seeking out confrontation with him" prior to the co concreting of this decision.
My answer was as i honestly believed at the moment "no" but i also noticed that i tqitched when saying that
"conciously, no i haven't...but i twitched upon saying maybe subconciously i have been"
I realized in that moment that I've been doing this week the same thing i do in every relationship over reacting and attacking him for no reason but my own insecurities.
"do you want to be punished?"
I was offered blindness, being bound, as well as punishment flogging and sleeping on the floor. I agreed to all of them and told Sir to get onto the bed that tonight he would only be blind. I told him that i was vi ding my own hands but he offered to do that for me.
i took also as my punishment, giving hum head and not allowing myself to enjoy the act. Instead i had to deep throat hum majority of the time doing it as well as reminding my self that this sweet skin, this beautiful body and the man it belonged to have been the target of my unjust attacks. Reminding myself that i was pushing someone so delicious away from myself. That instead of this pleasure o had been giving him instead pain.
After he came i took my flogging on my back and ribs.
Then layes on my back ontoo of the welts forcing myself to further insure the pain and punishment. Before laying down i took the blindfold so as to endure the blindness.
I was to keep the blindfold on until Sir was ready to be awake himself. Then and only then was allowed to see again .
Tonight i think i will again sleep blind on the floor.
Currently i am thinking of having another physical punishment before bed tonight.

Monday, October 21, 2013

day1 attempted friendship

Slowly things are sliding back into place. I still love him of course. I will always love him.

He went to his meeting at the naval station the arrived home around 2.
I was annoyed and snappy as I thought he'd be back at 12. He took my cuts in calm breath and kept himself together though. Composure. A lesson a could certainly do to learn.
After he walked away I sat there and took a deep breath "stop it. You are over reacting again. He couldn't control this. Breathe. Calm down. Be happy its your birthday! Smile. Ok. I've got this"  I stood ready to go and apologize, if today was any hint, we BOTH had a lot to work on.
We soon after headed to the car and the rode to the mall(not much money this week, $26 to my name to be exact so yeah....) to walk around and people watch as well as not so secretly building up our Christmas lists for each other. Even if we are only friends when the time comes we will still gift each other well.
There were a few moments for both of us when wed slip and call each other baby or baby girl, in his case.
A few moments where I know we both wanted to cry and just get list in each other but we knew it would be unhealthy if we allowed it.
Around 6 pm we headed to WalMart and grabbed a cheese cake to bring down to the creek and eat together...i cried my eyes out at one point during this...

around 8 we headed home. Apparently he told the people we are staying with that it's my birthday(I dont find it to be that big of a deal amongst all else that is goibg on so I didn't tell anyone)  because after being home for about half an hour he was called out the room and then i was too "come here please. Clay said this sis t his mess so it must be yours? Clean it up please"
"im sorry" i said walking over while trying to think of what mess I'd have left...only there was no mess but a cake instead. They all wished me happy birthday and again i had to hold back tears.

We returned to the room after sharing the cake and a few gleeful words and jokes as well as my own hugs and "thank you so much"es.

We tried to watch a movie together and behave but for some reason we kissed and i couldn't break from him i wanted it to never end. Wanted to kiss him until everything was normal again. We broke for a moment only to kiss again. This time it was certain that kiss was not ending. My hands were everywhere despite how fiercly he fought to not touch me  inappropriately.
At one point my hand stopped wandering in innocent places stopped groping his ass and slipped into his wait and to brush his cock. he wimpered and i quickly removed my hand. This was a bad idea. We couldn't do this! So why then was it still impossible for me to untangle myself from him? Why everytime that he started to pull away i clung to him and kept him on me. My hand found its way back down his pants and this time he embraced it.
"are we really doing this?" i asked a tinge of fear lacing my breath
"no." he said "we dont have to"
"i want to." and ith that we were lost. I pinned his hands and took him he let me bind his hands and later his ankles. We were completely lost in each other

After we through and laying there breathless but calmed some i whispered "what are we going to no. This changes nothing. We cant just jump back in like that. We are only friends right now" he agreed. Thank goodness because in that moment i had no fight left in me not even for our own good.

He took his blindness as well as chose to stay bound and i led him to his bed on the floor to rest as i laid on the real bed.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

scales of justice

im debating on rather or not i want to leave that last post public. but either way, here is the partial resolution to the situation.
i eventually wandered over to my bosses house and told her everything that happened last night and waited it out over there until i was calmer. i still didnt know weather or not  wanted to go home and try to reason with him. i had no idea if he was still in this weird violent mood or not nor did i know what caused it. thats what scared me the most is the flip of a switch to turn him to such n aggressive, scary mess.

i suppose he knew at some point i'd go to her because an hour after arriving myself, here he is at the door. my boss looked at me in a silent question "are you ready?" if i wasnt then he want coming in or even having the door opened.
i took a big breath and nodded. this is the man i love. this is the man im supposed to be marrying. i have to find out what caused this. i have to know if its going to be came a cycle.

"baby girl im sorry. i dont know what happened. can we talk please."
"on the porch. im not talking to you in private"
"ok" he had tears in his eyes. thtas a scary change.
kind sweet amazing dom only causing pain when i want or deserve it. only in a controlled way.
flip a switch.
aggressive frightening unstable man. not my dominant. scary. not afraid to slap and punch and strangle me.
flip a switch.
soft broken man. crying. begging.
i told him to wait outside and id be there in a moment...told my boss to please listen incase i screamed. i didnt know what hed do or if there was another switch coming and i didnt want to find out alone. she agreed and periodicly even stuck her head out the door to see that i was ok. i was so greatful. finally i felt safe again for a few moments.

eventually we talked enough for me to agree to come home under strict conditions.
1) i am not his and nor is he mine.
2)we are not to be alone together at any point.
-if we are the only two people in the house at any moment then we are to be in opposite rooms until further notice
-if we are both in our room, we do not ocupy the same space, ie one on the bed the other on the floor.
-our door is to ALWAYS be open until further notice.
3) we are both to remain clothed around each other.
4)i am always to have a phone on me so i can call for help
5) i am always to be closer to the door than he is
6) no pet or title names. we use only our real names to address each other
7) not my rule but i was in the end greatful for, he was to be made blind until 20 minutes after waking up. originally it was 10 minutes but he woke up early. he bound for most of the night and to sleep on the floor. these were rules set by someone much above him and who is always to honor and respects wishes and rules.
8) our relationship is not to continue as anything more than friends until i am confident that what happened yesterday will not happen again.

1) he is to never lay an aggresive hand on me again unless i ask for it or it is in the pretense of sexual exploration.
2) when ever an argument arises we are to walk away until BOTH are calm again not just him. this has been my rule from the beggining but now will be followed.
3) we are to only discuss and debate on the topic the original argument was on. ie if we are in disagreement on how something was done we talk only of that matter rather than switching into the usual "you always this you always that. why can you ever just ____"
4) when im upset with him i have to start allowing him to touch me gently rather than completely pulling away as ive always done with everyone in times of distress.
5) he will eventually become my husband. he will eventually be reinstated as my dominant. how ever in the case of an argument we are not D/s we are of equal power standing.
6) we are to treat each other with upmost respect at all times possible!
7) i am to work on breaking all of my negative habits and so is he.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

being lost

Some days being around Kids is theraputic. It helps so much to feel better and ok for the day.
Today however having this screaming laughing kids in the house in the room opposite to me is driving me insane.
I want to scream o want to cry and scratch and hurt physically instead of mentally. Yet somehow im strong enough to not want to go back to cutting and carving to do this....i guess that's progress that stays if you keep yourself in check for a year.
Im so snappy. So angry so...rigid and fragmented today.
Nothing is going right.
I feel like I have no control in ANYTHING not even my own emotions.
I just want to crawl up into a box and marinate in my own pain in one way. But then another part wants to go out and be that stuburn anxty teen that fights any and everything that looks at her wrong just to get out the pain and put it on someone else.
Another part wants to draw and write and wreck havoc on an imaginary world. That's the healthiest closest part to sane i think.
another part of me wants to leave this place and go for a long walk or run somewhere I've never been where no one knows me and i know no one else. I figure if im goibg to feel alone why not at least find escape in the feelings.
How do you survive? How do you function after losing two babies in one year. After trying so hard to even receive that first one....
I feel like i just cant get a break. Every time i think im on the road to being ok again life reminds me im far from it.
how do you hold onto yourself and stop losing yourself when you are a mother but cant even act as such?
When you are a lover but all you feel is pain and anger?
I kniw this is probably going to subside again a little by tomorrow but right now this is what i have.
A man that tries his best but doesn't understand what's goibg through my head because i cant possibly put into words or picture what im feeling.
A man that thinks im pushing him away when really im just struggling to stand up and stay alive.
I have an empty womb and a broken heart.
I have no money with a birthday, a wedding date, thanks giving, Christmas, rent all piled up on top of each other.
I am lost and i dont know how to fi d my way back home to him even though he is usually laying only feet away from me.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


Yesterday, Sir and I went to the mall around noon to gather job applications. Right after he was laid off my boss went through some personal issues that she no longer required my services so now with my birthday, our planned date to wed, thanksgiving, and  Christmas all right around the corner we are jobless.
We spent day before yesterday scrubbing and organizing my now former bosses house so that due to things that happened between her and her husband cps would have no reason to deny her rights to her own children so by yesterday with the job losses and day of scrubbing and organizing we were both stressed and in dire need of an outing.
Turns out the job search was part one of exactly what we needed.
We spent the day in the mall u til around 6pm flirting here and there with different girls and just feeling good to be out of the house and not worrying.
Then we came home and had a semi quickie before calming down for dinner.
Later after he finished up each placing another application we made love again.
Im beginning to think he enjoys getting me to the point of calling him vulgar things as begging for my orgasm isn't enough anymore on most nights that he talks me to beg.
last nights choice outburst was "please you mean fucking sir!!" with tears in my eyes.
For that I was awarded permission to cum as well as a nice quick but hard spanking!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Balanced Trust

First off, I want to apologize for the crumby quality of my POV on that last post, I've learned not to even attempt to write when im in fuzzy place. I will try and fix that post tonight.

Now, onto to the title: truth.

In any aspect of this lifestyle whether it be master: slave, dom:sub, owner:pet , daddy dom:little girl,  ECT there are key aspects that are a must. TRUST being at the top of that list.

I have this topic on mind because of a young girl I have been speaking with, she reminded me yesterday of how alot of us are as newbie's to the lifestyle. Some of us understand that in order to be in this lifestyle we have to invest alot of trust in our opposite role, our other half in the equation. But through this we sometimes believe we have to give our full trust to someone simply because they are the other half and often times that trust is placed in the wrong hands and people get hurt.

On the other side of the coin are the people who remain cautious but they remain so cautious that they give no trust to even the right people and thus do not gain the true  experience of the lifestyle either.

Then there are those who dont even have the trust in themselves to know their limits and speak up if something is too much for them. Those who just want to fall completely in with no regards because they think they have to do it that way.

All three of these paths lead us to pain and in improper introduction to the lifestyle.

I thinkehen entering into anylife path whether be those I've listed above or even a venture to a new geographical location, caution must be taken to learn proper methods and safety guidelines. Research what you are getting yourself into. Find a mentor.

So many people dive in headfirst with whichever if the three takes. I listed above and find themselves in a lot of emotional and physical pain that they weren't yet ready or prepared for.

I myself when I first entered this lifestyle years ago fell into the role of giving full trust and submission to someone who was ill prepared to be a dominant figure to anyone much less myself.
However I do t regret it much. It eventually taught me alot abput choosing my words and actions carefully and how not to later treat my own submissives whether they be a semi oermanant bond or a mentoring position. Would I rather for other people to learn the same way I did? Hell no! That's the point of this post. Did I eventually learn all I needed to though? In a way yes. But I also learned much of what I learned through online research and dealing out others in the lifestyle. I learnined from being careful and not making the same painful mistakes twice. I am learning everyday by interacting with others in the lifestyle as well as taking my dominants role. 
Through all of this I have learned and farther learning to balance what degree of trust to give to who and what situations.
Initially my Sir did not receive my full trust that wasn't something I had to give to him increasingly.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

breaking points (EXPLICIT)

Well I suppose it showed somewhere on my body the need for his inflicted pain. Tonight, after dinner Sir and I watched an episode of "The L word" since he promised to watch it with me yesterday but didn't. Then after each cleaning up a bit, him first then I, we began our play time. While I was freshening up he had lit the candle and had the toys ready but where I didn't see them. He asked was originally going to cuff my hands but we could only find one through out the night so they were instead bound with a pretty silk sash that we have. Next I was blindfolded and placed into position. I know the first toy was my beloved flog. He started out light and gentle for only a few swipes. Then really began biting onto me with it. My ass, back, shoulders, and legs were all to be treated. During some moments even my feet and neck. Next was the riding crop, a few hard stings across the ass then he  began flicking it all along my inner thighs. A feather teaser and then more alternating lashings with the flog.
"on your knees" he finally tells me
So I get up onto them expecting him to be aiming for places he couldn't reach when I was laying down or bowed. Instead I feel this hard cocks tip on my lips.
"may I use my hands?" I ask
"thank you"
I take him in one hand and rub down to the base while stroking his thighs with the other and sucking him off. He begins flogging me harder and im getting so fucking wet so I start sucking on him more and really trying to please him and his hardness.

Im having so much difficulty remembering everything right now. Being blindfolded you are so much more focused on the sensations the where and the how isn't so much important to your mind to screenshot and order as the sensations are.

I do remember at one point after more delicious beatings and then being flipped to lay on my back Sir was having fun with orgasm control. He was running the toys across my clit and the rest of my pussy, enjoying shoving things in and getting me off as well as using his devilish mouth on my thighs and pussy.
I got close to orgasm and he reminded me I was not to cum
I began to beg, repeating please more intensely over and over and he repeatedly told me no.
Finally when I felt as if I could take no more I burst "PLEASE YOU SADISTIC FUCKING BASTARD"  he chuckled then thankfully gave me the words I needed "yea you can"

"what'd you say" I asked to make sure that was a can and not a "cant"
"go ahead"

Want to know the entire scene?Or the dominants POV
Visit Sirs blog

greed and lust

Inside I feel the days counting down. Each day, one more I have spent with Sir but one less until the day he leaves me for the military.
I've been greedy and im getting more so. I want him with me in every moment. Crave his touch, his love, his words, his presence at a constant. I know this will only make it harder to fathom his departure and harder more so to function with out him.
I want even his punishments more so before he leaves so I have more to cling to while he is gone. Well...perhaps not so much as a punishment as a flogging, spanking, ride crop session, bindings and more pushed to every limit and further until he leaves so that in some way I can feel stronger when he leaves from me.
I haven't explained this to him yet, the exact reasons and desires behind my greed.
I know I should but such discussions only bring abput sadness. The pain of knowing that for the first time since our paths have merged we will be apart for an extended period of time and not just apart but without communication.
Sure there will be letters written but it's not the same as a face to face interaction. When a relationship becomes an LDR even video meetings are so painfully different from the accustomed face to face, hand to hand, body to body, mouth to and encounters.
You dont take into account how much you take having him with you and serving him and pleasing him for granted until you are promised to lose that....
I've built my entire day to day joys and plans around loving and pleasing him....what will I do without will I find joy when I will have no ways of bringing hum joy for two straight months only to hold hum again for a week and then lose him again for an unsigned amount of time?
I also fearful to kniw a life without him...

Friday, October 4, 2013

his POV

How strange of a thought to know Sir will be blogging too now. To know that as I write this entry he sits mere feet away from me at his own laptop writing his own first post. What a strange thought that for some events I will write to you about, the flip side, my dominants view and feelings of those moments will also be publicized.
Well to you all that is.
We made the agreement when I began MY blog that he was not to read any post I wrote or write until  I said I was ready for him to read it as some would contain surprises and plans for him. We have decided that that same rule is in place in regards to when and if I am to read any of his posts.
I am always intrigued, however to see and hear how others perceive the exact same encounters as myself and how their perceptions can so greatly vary and mesh with my own.
So all in all this an intriguing topic to me. Just hoping he writes more here than he does in his own journal  :P then bad for not writing for long stretches myself do I suppose in a way this idea of him blogging too now is a good one. After all I've been writing more often than before at least(:

Sir's Ink

i feel like writing today but dont really know what i want to write about. theres much but i dont even know how to place it all into the correct order until i figure that one out, i figured id give you guys an excert of a story Sir has been working on.
curious to see what you all think of his writing style and such.

    My name is Jade, I have always stuck out in the group of people, my olive skin is a shear give away that I’m not from the Empire; not to mention my ears. I have dark hair, and gray eyes so that is another indicator towards the factor to me not being from around here. I work for the Imperials, and I have for all of my life. I’m the only woman commander in the entire Empire, which is found to be a joke. Most groups of people leave my battalion at bay because they know the name of the Black Hearts.

    The bush behind me begins to rustle and I quickly draw my knives, I have made many enemies in the empire and I am always on guard. A familiar voice leaves the heavy brush, “Whoa, Commander, its just me.” A man appears from the dense brush and begins to smile. He is what most women would call “Fair toned and handsome,” I know him much too well to even think of him as the “Loving Husband”. Beneath his sky blue eyes and his pale skin, under the ornament of grayish gold hair, lays the coldest man I could possibly know.
    “Hey Drago, what do you need to tell me.” He begins to let out a slight sigh, and the sarcasm in his voice is obvious, “Well the war is over forever, you and the rest of the Sixth Regiment can go home, and Monarch’s enemies are all slain.”
    “If it were all like that, I would go to my home in the Capital and just sleep for hours after a soothing bath, possibly jam my face full of the sweetest delicacies I possibly could find.”
    “Well now, this is the real news, Adrith has just advanced leaving the Sixth in charge of stopping him,” Drago’s face shifted into a displeasing manner, “Also we have to take them on in combat.”
    “No, we will not lose our men in the battle, we will settle this the way we always have.”
    “I will report that the orders are understood,” His face returned back to its normal composure.
    The way we made a name for ourselves is never losing a single soldier, the way we fight brings immense controversy. We call them the Black Games,  in the three days before the battle we will mentally disturb and unhinge the people on the other side. It works; I’ve never lost a soldier, even though this has come close to making me lose my own life.
    “Get the men ready to move, I know it is only a three day march to the lead of Adrith.”
    “Ma’am, it is closer to an hour or so, Adrith is already on the battle path he does not know we are here.”
    “Cover the fires, get ready to start, The games are as follows, The Axe of War, The Twelve Points, and The Ghost Fires.”
    “His scouts will be on top of us in an hour.”
    “We will swap uniforms and use their own men against them. However, this is a tactic we have never used; have one of our scouts get the uniform and enter his base. That man needs to get as close to Adrith as possible, and take out a guard, then get back to camp as soon as possible after losing their trail in the opposite direction.”
    “Okay anything else?” Drago’s face shifted to a cold war hardened look.
    “Tell the men to write their letters if we have to go into war I want them to have their peace made and for them to have no worry in the afterlife.” I stood and began to make the walk back to the main camp of my men, “Wait, I’ll tell them, if anyone should it is me.”

    We drew nearer and nearer, the tunnel vision I often get on walks began to set in, leaving tracers pushing the trees past my vision in a swift blur. The sound of a lute came from the far side of the camp as we entered bringing me back into consciousness. I walked to my tent, seeing all of the men standing in my presence never retires my respect for them; not a single man stood for the previous Commander.
    “Men, I stand before you not only as your leader but as one of you in combat. I am here to tell you the man of the hour is Adrith, his soul will be brought to its knees after today. He has set up camp near us, and he is now our target of the Black Games. His scouts should be around here at any moment in attempt to find enemy forces. We will find them first, and we will enter his camp, and slay the nearest man to him. To start the Games tonight the Axe of War will be placed.  Tonight their tents will earn some new decoration.”

    The men began to shuffle from the crowd and as soon as the throng of men dissipated into there tents, another group all bearing axes appear from the woods. The center element steps forward, “Ma’am we are all ready for your command, there are two extra axes carried by the last element if you would like to join us.”
    “I will join you, nightfall should be within the next half hour, We will start our journey then.” I heard the men pressing me with a slight hum, it proceeded through the ranks slowly adding on the bard’s ocarinas and then their lutes. The melody was one I have heard hundreds of times, it still chills the blood in my veins, I began to hum along with the men, it was a simple pattern. But with  the combination of the noises played it was enough to make any army stronger showing the bonds we held within each other. I simply began to sway my arms, to the beat of the song, My body began to flow like water at the smooth sound of the battle song, “Men I stand here waiting . . .” In this small pause the breath of the men pushed the sound of any music away, “Waiting to cause the horror to the mere mortals sitting unguarded and relaxed in their tents with the illusion of safety, well we are here to give them a nightmare.” Just as I finished that sentence I looked across the men’s faces, the look held of vampires, cold and blood thirsty.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013


People almost always begin a conversations with "well how are you" or some variant on the first word there, but how often do we expect the true answer? How often do they actually care to know?
Ask anyone "how are you" and the most common response you'll receive is "oh im ok" and maybe a few supporting details. But how often are these "ok" people not so ok? How often do they have so much that they'd love to talk about and get off of they're chest but for some reason or another, usually fear, they refrain from telling what's really going through their hearts and minds.
I think we are all guilty of it. we hold back so as to not burden our friends or family or to not be judged. We hold back because no stranger wants to know or cares at all about out inner workings.
but oddly enough strangers are sometimes the best people to talk to, yet people are so used to people only wanting particular answers that we're only give those answers to everyone.

One day in middle school a girl came up to me and sat down "hi, i'm britany and I don't know you but i'm new here and can we talk?"
I thought it was an odd way for a thirteen year old girl to introduce herself but on a lonely day like it was I was glad for the conversation no matter what we were going to talk about.
She began talking of how she had recently moved in to her grandfathers house. Of how she thought her mother didn't love her and how the woman had abandoned her in numerous places and how she hoped her grandparents would keep her and she finally had a place to stay. She told me of her favorite memories from grandfather and her least favorites of her mother. She cried a little at the end then hugged me and thanked me for just letting get talk. "I know you don't care about any of thus but I needed to tell some one"
We became friends for a little while after that. Talking here and there when no one else was around then more comfortably around everyone else until one day she moved again and soon after so did I.

looking back I admire that courage that she had. So few people have that courage to tell truthfully and completely honestly how they are feeling. More and more of us are getting more comfortable doing it in places like this where we can remain faceless and got fear the judgement. But in so few times do we have the courage to talk to a stranger when we need it or to go up to someone else who needs it and just give them someone to talk to. To lend some little bit of hope to a stranger.
So here's my challenge to all of you. If you see someone suffering go up to them and offer them an ear or a shoulder, you'd amazed how big of a difference that small gesture can make sometimes. And dont be afraid to ask someone for that solace to sit down and let you vent. What have you got to lose aside from some pain and anxt. What have you got to gain? The possibilities run from a friend to just some relief. You never know until you try.
I hope you all have a great day and if you arent.. Remember you dont have to be alone unless you make it that way.

Friday, September 27, 2013

no tears

Today is the first day since last Friday that so far I have been ok. No tears. There have been a few moments if sadness but overall today has been nice.
Hopefully its going the same way for Sir.
I'll find out in a little over half an hour.
Not sure how hes goih to feel to find out that im working possibly until 2:30 rather than ten. I think after ten I'll probably be back on my own because hes going to need his rest and being around the kids is really hard for him right now.

A Sir and a Flog for Medication

Before Sir, sex or any sort of physical intimacy was my place to to run to with any random man or female who was was even slightly attractive if i was hurting emotionally. so how strange it has been that this past week any show of intimacy from him would put me off so badly.
i havent wanted anyone else since ive had him. well not in a theraputic or restless way that is. i mean i think we all have the fantacies of bringing in a man or woman and sharing the room with them here or there. but these past few days i dont want that. i didnt even want my Sir to kiss me or hold me because it would hurt emotionally. my pschie was associating all intimacy with the loss of our son.
After a couple fumbled attempts to force the sex(through my consent of course) i was about ready to give up on it entirely until the idea of sex stopping hurting on its own completely.
he gave me time to stop crying and just breathe. to escape into my own head for awhile and let someone else take over the speaking while i just sat inside of myself thinking and breathing.
he gave me the time to talk to a Girl that means the world to me and who  going through the same thing right now from the miscarriage to her emotional handling of it. when i came back to him i was ready for kisses and touches but nothing more. i was ready for him to hold me and protect me and to hold him as well. this is in no way easy for my Sir.

when i came back to him he gave me a little while then asked if id like to be flogged.
i found that an odd offer at first then realized i used to ask him for that when i was too upset to deal with the emotions. My Sir remembered that and was offering me a way of dealing without him being overly intimate.
i agreed to it but then requested we try something new to see how i like it. ive been wondering if quick rough floggings could get me off like his usual floggings and spanking which start out gentle and build up to the rough stuff. turns out...not such a big fan of the sudden over the top sting. although the lighter hits afterward did feel a bit more tingly than usual so maybe its an aquired taste? maybe ill have him try again in the future.
after he had finnished and was confident in the fact that i was finnished, he asked "how are you feeling"
one word to wrap it all up. one word i didnt expect to feel anytime in the near future. "relaxed"
during the flogging he had put my collar and leash on me to pull me how he wanted my body positioned for particular hits. now as i attempted to lay down expecting him to cuddle me, he took out a silk slash and tied up my hands then cuffed my ankles and blind folded my eyes.
that man teased and tortured my body like never before. the combination of the intensity of need for this and him making sure he re accustomed every inch of me to allowing his touch was just beyond words amazing. when any other man would have allowed me to curl up into a ball in the darkest recesses of my own mind and not come back out, My Sir despite being in the place he is inside of his own emotions, forced me back out and showed me what a true man in love and a caring Dominant really can do. i love this man like no other before him. and no other that will come after him.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

"first do no harm"

i was trying to avoid this subject and post but the more i try and ignore it the more it pisses me off. so i suppose here is my ranting post because i really need to get this out of my head and on a solid platform.
the more i think about things or even the more i try to avoid thinking of things, the less i can get my head around the fact that this maybe didnt have to happen.
its the job of people who are doctors to ask the proper questions or at least SOME questions. its their job to find answers and protect people. they are supposed to save lives and yet they didnt even try to save my little boy.
we went there in the beginning stages of the cramps, hours before they escalated beyond repair.
we were asking them my blood type and levels as well as hcg levels. we were asking them to run this test and that. they gave us no answers they asked no questions about any family history until days later after the fact. they refused to tell us my blood type and rh factor as well as neglected to ask us of Sirs rh factor.
had they even looked in the files to find my factor and asked his then right away we'd have known the problem. they would have only needed to administer a rhogam shot into my thigh right there in the begining stages of the cramps and although it wouldnt have been a gaurenteed save there would certainly have been high chances of a save. statisticly speaking had they listened to us and provided the answers to even a couple of the questions that we had asked them then our son may still be alive.
and how dare they on the following monday AFTER everything is said and done offer me the answers that they had all along?! how dare they not even try to save our son.
if anything they hurried it along pumping in over twice the amount of saline fluids into an iv in my hand which later further broke down the clots and plugs in my baby built to protect my baby.
the only procedure they ran was done wrong far before it should have been run.
i will never return to that hospital. what happened to the "first do no harm" oath that even nurse trainees have to take in some colleges. if premed student knew all the questions to ask and the procedures that needed to be done why did the doctors and nurses not? why was my baby of so little importance to them???? i understand he was not yet fully developed or born but he was still a human being who still had a chance if they had done their god damned jobs!!!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

something positive

Sir is cooking spaghetti tonight then I think i'm going to give him a treat. I'm not in the most intimate mood right now everytime hes tried it flashes my mind back to that clot of blood that held my little raspberry baby but I think maybe if i'm the one that initiates the sexual moment I can handle it better.
So i'm planning on after our meal and a shower sucking him off then giving him the one thing I can give right now, anal.
Its been a fantasy of his since we got together, to have anal from me but I've never been fond of the idea until Sunday when we both wanted and needed sex but knew like we do now that my pussy was off limits so I swallowed my pride and gave it a shot. It was awkward and uncomfortable for awhile but eventually felt pretty good. So tonight ill give him that for the second time in my life.

Roles Reversed

 Well here is my second attempt at typing this up. I have to now or I know I won't ever and there is alot that needs to be said.
As is I had a lot of details typed for Friday but I don't have it in me to re explain all of that at this moment. Maybe later ill come back and edit and add it in but then....thinking about it maybe I won't. There's a lot of details from that day I'd much prefer to forget.
Well you all know Wednesday sir and i discovered we were two months pregnant. We were so excited!!!
Well Friday i woke up after he was at work in extreme pain and had begun bleeding a little heavier than normal. Through out the day the pain and bleeding progressed and worstened extensively. When I say it was at the end unbeatable I mean it was unbearable. I went from having intense cramps to what I now in a clearer mind recognize as contraptions... Long story very short we went to the hospital and a few hours later after having an IV drawn and blood tests run our baby was expelled from my body.
Before hand I was begging for the results of my blood type and RH factor theynever did tell me though. Eventually the nurse came in after all was said and done and told us she believed that the massive clot I passed was only a clot. I think sir and I both knew she was lying but we so desperately needed to believe that our child was still alive in me so we clung to that little positive blit until Monday as we were instructed to return Monday for further blood checks to know if it was a true miscarriage or not....

We made it home from the hospital around 2 am. Woke up at 8 amfor the trip to my dads... How sir made it I dont know. I slept through mist of the ride glad that he had instructed me to do so.
After many mishaps we finally arrived at my fathers around 2:30, two and half hours later than expected. To my great surprise and relief the visit went really smoothly. My dad took to Sir but also noticed right away my belly despite the lose fitting dress I wore. He kept dropping little hints for us to run with and tell them about the baby but we didn't. In the end it was a visit that restored my faith for the first time since childhood that my father wanted be my dady and care for me.

SUNDAY:  sir and I slept most of the day the cramps were pretty mild for the most part today and I was bleeding far less. Our hopes were high that maybe our baby was still in my belly.

MONDAY: we ran a few arrands then went to eat out at a delicious little Japanese restaurant the talk was delightful and the meal tasted delicious. It was nice to have a romantic lunv date with him. we went to a couple more stores and such looking for supplies for our costumes at fandom con this coming month then went to the hospital. My stomach was in knits and my nerves were through the roof in fear. They took my blood and later came back to tell me my hcg levels dropped drasticly over the weekend signifying a definite completed miscarriage...we broke. My Sir stated strong for me and pulled me back from the abyss. I went into a mute state and had no will to live I couldn't focus my eyes on anygimg not even his eyes every little movement he had to force out of me. The most I could do was lightly hold his finger. Ihad no more apitite or will for survival left....its been awhile since I've been in that place and honestly I don't know how he pulled me out of it but he did.  one of the nurses came in to talk to us not about anything in particular just to talk. We told her of how we had to beg the doctors to tell me my blood type and eh factor and how they never dis tell me one of the attendees today had looked it up for me so we could kniw. We told her how Sirs type is negative and mine is positive. "there's your problem" she exclaimed. "the positive and negative is your eh factor and"
"and" I chimeded in, "negative andpositive can not mix without a rhogam shot...."
"exactly. My husband and I had the same problem except im the negative and he's the positive." so despite the agony we now had an answer to why we now had a solution to the next time after my body is healed and we are ready to try again.
So I guess from every dark moment there really does lay a glimmer of light.

I posted a Facebook status reading "worst. Night. Ever. I just want to lay down and cry with my sir holding me through this. Who'd have thought something so small as a little + and - sign could make such a huge difference"
my dad knew immediately what i was reffering to and started talking to me through it...i never imagined my dad would ever be there for me lije that again the last time he shiwed sobmuch care and understanding i was onky barely 6 years old...

Sir is in a bad place today he couldn't make it to work but I did, my boss needs me and we need the money. I just hope he is ok until I get home...he seemed a little better after I got hum back to sleep for a nap...i hope he can hold his head up until I get home. I wish I could be there to take care of him. And I will as soon as I can.

Friday, September 20, 2013

road trip

Tomorrow the big day. Well one of many big days coming up that is.
Tomorrow Sir and i go to see my father and step mother. Im scared to death honestly. My dad i know i can handle he'll just pretend like hes sweet and kind and has always been there for me even though he hardly had been. Her on the other hand. She's a bit of a sadist and not the sort i enjoy.
She isn't afraid to take a blade dipped in acid and twirl it around in every weak point she can find.
Pro: Sir will be with me the entire time so maybe just maybe I can find some sort of closure from this.
Con: hormones are making me extra sensitive and not in a volatile fight back way but in a curl up in a ball crying and take it way.
Pro. After we leave there we go to see my cousin who is basically my mommy figure through this whole thing holding my hand from a distance and talking me through the ups and downs that no one ever tells you about.
Pro: I know my Sir will keep me safe through this all and pull me out of that house if the step mother gets too nasty.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

baby dust

Well it would look like good news has arrived after all! Sir and I are going to be parents!!!
I broke my rule and tested yesterday to get a definite positive, looks like i'
m two months pregnant today!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

sex and candy (EXPLICIT)

The candles were lit much before the pic nic even began. Then he told me to go and have a shower after we had dinner. I made sure to wash up in soaps that would have me smelling nice and sweet and then straightened out my wet hair as best I could considering its tendency to curl up.
then he allowed me some time on his computer knowing its far easier for me to check the blog and other sites than it is on mobile while he showered and then prepared the fruit.
Turns out he was hungry but not so much for the fruits so he ate a few then watched me enjoy the rest.
When I was almost finished and could tell he was about to get impatient inside I put a little bit of chocolate on my finger and looked at him smiling.
"I wonder what chocolate covered Sir tastes like?"
He smiled with a soft laugh"i dont know. You'll have to find out."
Oh and I did. I wiped the chocolate into his nipple and licked it off playfully. "oh. He tastes very good in chocolate(:"
I ate a couple more strawberries and then layer down as instructed.
He sprayed a whip cream on my nipples and on a couple hot spots on my body and another on my neck then with a devilish smile he cleaned it off in a most arousing manner.
he then moved to play with the whipped cream on my pussy and the spots near it on my thighs.
"hands and knees" he told me afterward and I obediently listened in no desire to be bratty tonight. My Sir wanted to play and I so did I but more so I wanted to please him in every way he desired.
"yes Sir"
He pulled me to his cock and fucked my mouth good then had me lay down and shoved it right in with ease as at this point I was dripping wet. Once I began to enjoy it too much he pulled out of me then wiped some chocolate in the head for me devour like the good little cock whore I am.
I licked and sucked and played with it until he was satisfied I'd given enough in that area for now then came down and pleasure me with his own tongue for a bit. Before kissing me and reentering.
After a bit of this he came out and told me to go back to hands and knees then clarified he wanted it in doggy now.  We went like this for a bit before later switching and coming back to it again and this time he instructed not to come until I was told to.
"yes sir" I moaned out.
He made sure id beg for it as it was so hard not to cum soon the way he began working me.
"can I please?"
He took me harder and god did it feel amazing
"are you begging now?"
"yes. Yes please. Please can I. Please!"
after a deliberate pause came the much needed "yes"
I had seen him ready the candles earlier and although I love playing with candle wax on skin I'd never done any wax play during sex especially not when I was at such a point as I knew he'd wait to use it at.
"please let it cool first" I asked nervously
"I won't burn you. Im actually very good at testing the temperature of wax and knowing if it'll burn"
"ok" I trusted him and man was I glad that I did later that night.
after the first time in doggy before this last one he took some of the wax and poured it lightly on my back. I came with each pour as he'd let it cool such a point that it felt like cum erupting onto my skin! Something thats always been highly arousing for me.
He then flipped me onto my back and poured some all over my abdomen in strategic places.

In this last round of doggy he came then as I was relaxing on the the blanket with my face down waiting for my own body to stop trembling he gave me a new command
"close your eyes"
I did wondering what new trick it treat he had up his sleeve.
I felt his fingers play at my back half stroking half massaging through some of the old wax. Then I felt him rub a test of wax across my skin I trembled. God dis it feel great
"see. That would burn you"
"no" I whispered "it felt good. I liked it"
There was a pause and then hot wax splashed down my back  and im positive he felt me tighten up around him in a final orgasm.
He pulled out and told me to go clean up in the bathroom.
I wandered if he realized this meant walking in front of his friend or his friends mother who were sitting in the living room. If he knew that it meant I'd have to hide the smile okaying at my Luis and force myself to walk as straight as possible?
I did as commanded though then returned to the living room to find him on the sofa smiling at me. Oh yes. He knew.
I returned to the room where a few moments later he followed then helped get the last few bits of wax off of my back.

Oh how I love my Sir! And I thank him for that night.

And how I look forward to discovering what he has planned for today as he instructed me last night that today I am to be his kitten when ever we are in private. Its been some time since I've last been my Sirs pet <3
I wonder what games he'll have planned today.

Monday, September 16, 2013


Today has been a long day. One that makes me very happy that sometimes Sir and I's plans get pushed into being a couple days late. We are having our picnic in about an hour.
I need it and I think he does too.
Last night was an adequet predecessor of this morning but he did as he always does and as no other can. He held me while I cried out all the stresses I've been locking inside as of late. But not only that he calmed me and made me feel safe with him.
I'm 11 days late on my period and thats the only thing keeping me on my feet and for the most part strong lately when he is at work while I'm not at work. the sliver of hope that maybe this month I won't catch my monthly loss of blood.
We both very much want a child but I am not allowing myself to test until Sunday morning. If the test is negative it'll just add to an already very stressed out state that won't end until after Friday night.
Sir and I are going to see my dad and his wife. The two people with most responsibility in all the majority of personality and stress disorders I've obtained over the years. Seeing them scares for the first time in almost two years scares the living crap out of me and I've been off kilter for about a week now and have only been getting worse as the day approaches.
Its these passing days im even more thankful for my Sir being there for me and being so understanding. I honestly dont believe I could make through this without him.
Im sorry for the depressing tone of this post but thats what I have for an update.
In the morning I will have a brighter post for you all and hopefully Sunday I'll have the brightest yet!
now I leave you and will relax into a book for a few moments until Sir is out from his shower and ready to pic nic.

Friday, September 13, 2013

strawberry succulence

Its funny how everything circles back in the end of the day. This week began with two first's and is ending in two first's.
Last night, for the first time ever I allowed Sir to read my blog. What a strange thing it was  in how nervous and exposed I felt despite feeling so secure when having him read my submissives journal all those times. Isn't this so similar?
Tonight after work well be heading to the shop for some special treats for tomorrow's first, a candle lit pic Nic for two.
more details on that Sunday morning or so.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

girl crush

She's a beautiful blonde German girl with blue eyes and a gentle heart built from the roots of a tragic past. And soon shell be with Sir and I and safe in my arms. This girl is the kind of girl you cant help but to adore and want to fight the world for.
Today she told me of some boys in her city who are bothering her again and I couldn't hold back I needed to give her something to smile for so I gave her the good news.
The news that my sir gave me last night: it won't be a year before we meet like we originally thought but only about 6 months probably. Long enough for her to turn 18 and him to complete boot camp. She was so excited just as I am and was last night. I can imagine how her eyes lit up and she smiled. I want nothing more to make my Sir and that girl smile.

Monday, September 9, 2013

love, lust, and something else(x-rated)

I apologize in advance for the rough start in writing this week. Im a bit exhausted and battling a flu and my writers brain is a bit slow to warm up.

Saturday night was amazing, Sir and I moved into our new room and then went out to eat.
We went to a nice little Chinese buffet.
Then that night I did something I had never done for any other man ever.
Ordinarily I love to suck on cock. I get off on them getting off and hearing their moans of delight. The way a man's body quivers when youre mouth is pleasuring they're sweet hard cock.
However I usually take them inside or Finnish them off with my hand rather than allowing yen to cum in my mouth. The texture of it has always been something of an issue to allow into my mouth.
we began the activitivies with a bit of 69. That man! I've never had someone holf my attention with just their mouth and the things they do with it for so long.
the hotter got me the harder I'd suck and the faster. The more swirls and moves I'd make with my tongue and the more the more I'd suckle his balls. I knew he was getting close the way his hips rocked and his breathing got that raspy tone and his member quivered.
"its ok. I want it this time" I said and went back to work.
His breath caught and I felt him relax and stop fighting. His cream erupted on my tongue and god was it sweet. I swallowed it up and took the next two surges then sucked him softly to get the last drops of it and cool him down a little bit.
I thought this would be my only first that night but it wasn't. My sexy strong dominat fell into subspace.
Who'd have thought the Sub would ever take the Dom to subspace rather than the other way around.

I was in a bit of a moody and temperamental state all day and stepped out of line a few times in how I was responding to my Sir. He showed me who was the Sir and who was the Sub quick.   the sex was amazing and deliciously rough only to be followed with a cool down massage and then a flogging and a spanking.

Late that night after a meal of Alfredo he cooked up we played a few boards of chess, in which I lost fairly quickly as hes only just begun teaching me and is highly talented in games like that.
Little did I kniw my Sir had a favor he'd like to return!
He waited until the house was quiet then took me in every so many different positions each until I couldn't take anymore of it then pushing me a little farther. By the end of it I could feel my body relaxing into him but still enjoying the sensations. My eyes closed and stayed closed. I saw the night sky inches from my nose with stars shining and twinkling. At some point he was asking for my legs and asked me to lift my back, some part of me complied and then I was flying through the air a few feet past the wall on the other side of the bed. My eyes snapped open and my body fell into the mattrass with the blanket around me and my Sir was a few feet away then suddenly back beside me.
"I'm just performing aftercare right now, baby girl. I want you to let yourself slip away ok"
I had already slipped though. Suddenly his lips were on mine and water was entering my mouth instinctively I swallowed but i refused to leave this calm beautiful place with all the stars.
later that night after i came out of it we spoke of an idea i have to bring a girl hes friends with over and have her touch him to see how i feel about it and to get us both accustomed to it for when we have my future female submissive living with us. To my surprise despite voicing his discomforts and worries abput the situation, ge agreed.
if last night was any indication, this week should be a pretty fun and fulfilling one with lots of love, lust, and something else.

Monday, September 2, 2013


Someone recently told me that when ever writing I have to remember that you all as the readers dont know anything aside from what I write. If I dont write it then you are completely on the dark about alot of things. Originally I had planned to just have you learn as I went but thinking about it now I realize, perhaps a little bit of a backstory couldn't hurt. In fact it would make a lot of what I will come to write to you make a lot more sense.
So where shall begin?
Well from the beginning of it all I suppose. How we met, how we fell in love. How he saved my life and I saved his. How he became my Dominant and I his sub.
I will usually refer to my Sir as "Sir" both when speaking to him and in this blog. But for now my calling him of his title doesn't help you, however I will not disclose his true name here so we call him simply the letter M.

I was engaged to a young man I had being swing since August if 2011, we had had a very nasty break up a few months prior but had since worked through the problems and he reearned my trust. It was early this month that I went to visit him for the first time since since that separation before we separated we engaged and trying to concieve. It never happened though. But this visit we made love and I had become pregnant.

I began to miscarry on February 14th...i knew instantly what was happening and was completely distraught. I knew I had conceived only two weeks after the sex but we had only received the positive test results on the thirteenth.the very day before I began to miscarry. By the the seventeenth I passed what would have been our daughter. I say this because I believe with all that I am that it would have been a little girl.
Well I called up my fiance crying and begging him to talk to me that I couldn't handle this alone.
His very calm and almost emotionless response was "oh. Im sorry. But hey I cant talk right now"
"what? Why? Please! I need you right now, please!" I couldn't bear the thought that the baby that was so difficult to concieve had just been taken away from me and now my fiance wasn't even there for me in the slightest? Maybe there was a good reason there had to be right? I mean he had changed...i knew he had...
"because im having fun skate boarding wig the guys"
Wow. Well I guess some things actually dont change after all.
A few days later I contacted him and told him I no longer wished to be with him. I couldn't believe how I so believed that man was ready to be a husband and a father just a few days prior.

MARCH 2013
 a close friend of mine discovered that she was pregnant but due to the way the baby had been positioned and the fact that she had remained having periods through the whole thing she had no clue until the baby was 7 months old. It was by chance that the doctors found it in the blood work.
She asked me if I would adopt the child as she knew she was in no state to raise a child.
It felt like a second chance! I was so happy and I thought I was about to be a mommy in a couple months
. Well long story short that turned out to be another tradgedy. She went to have an ultra sound about a week later and to our detriment we discovered that somehow the seven moth old baby had only in most ways devopled to three months. She was born in april but lived only 6 days.

APRIL 2013
I contacted M on an online server and we started talking alot. Both of us were looking for a friend. And we soon discovered that we actually lived really close by to each other. So we soon made plans to meet up.
The very first night we met I knew something was different about him. I was both the most calm and nervous I had ever been around a man. By the end of the night I had kissed him and even made love to him. Ironicly enough I hadn't even had the plans to sleep with hum. For once I wanted to spend some time with a man and just be friends. No sex and no emotions. Just friends. I never intended to open up to him anytime soon either though so why in that night did it feel so natural tokiss him and to make love to him? Why was it impossible for to resist opening up to this man and spilling all my dirty scars out for him. Letting him know about the two girls that I lost as well as my fiance? Why was was it so easy for this very secretive man to oorn up to me about his past addictions in many realms as well as his own loss. The death of his own child years ago. Why was it so natural to let hum hold me and comfort me and let me do the same for him? Why did it feel so right to sleep in his arms that night and why did it feel like my heart and body had known his, all our lives?

I asked M to be my dominant. I told him I just needed a mentor to get me back into the D/s lifestyle as id been out of it the entire time I was with my ex. After a week he agreed. I was happy. But I still wouldn't tell him why I wanted him. Most of me wouldn't even admit it to myself. By the end of this mo th we went on our first date. It was to an eDM show and by the end of the night I think we both knew somehow we had rapidly and with no regard or chance of putting on the breaks had fallen for each other.
Neither of us would admit to the other yet as we were both afraid the other would cut ties and leave. After all we did have that rule of no emotions.
A few nights later he was in another city and I felt something in me just snap at one point. I had this sick feeling and couldn't stop thinking of him. I didn't know why but I felt I had to check on him. I had to know he was ok because something in me was screaming that he wasn't. come to find out he was in alot of trouble. I won't go into high details about weekend or the week that followed. I'll just say that in the course of events unfolding and the fear for his well being we both finally confessed our love.

JUNE 2013
this month we got even closer than we ever imagined we would be and by the end of that month we had moved into a room together in the city of new Orleans with some people that were our friends.

JULY 2013
We discovered that one of the roomates had a very large and dangerous coke addiction and have been out of that place since then

Sunday, September 1, 2013

date night

Well the date ended up being last night instead of Friday but it was great. First we got dressed up and stopped by a friends house for a little bit but upon leaving there Sir and I realized I had forgotten to grab panties for under my dress, he never lets me go anywhere in a dress or skirt without panties. So he went to the trunk of the car where I usually keep a few spares and upon handing me a sexy little g string(as long as the front is covered the booty is ok but he prefers usually to even cover that up) he doesn't like to even visually share me with other men, ironiclly enough thats the only way I'd like to be shared with other men.
Well when he closed the trunk somehow he ended up locking my keys in there.
So then we had to go back inside and have his friend come outside to help us, after about an hour we finally get the key, Sir is a mess at this point, a stark contrast to me in my little white and black cocktail dress. So he borrows a shirt from our friend and cleans up a little bit and we head over to destination one, Copeland's for cheesecake. I've been craving cheese cake for at least a month if not a little longer so after he chose my slice and his and we ate up we headed to the movie theater to see mortal instruments.
All in all a really great date.
But for some reason during the movie I was having trouble breathing(last year after contracting numerous upper respitory infections at once I developed asthma to add to my already long list of chronic(long term, sorry im still a little used to medical slang) ailments.
Then we are headed home and im trying to force my brething to balance out and  suddenly the wheel jerks and we are hitting  the side of the bridge my car scraping it some and ultimately scaring the hell out of me so I wind up hyperventilating.
We pull over after getting off of the bridge and check for damage, turns out just a small scrape and he sits with me until I calm down a little then back on our way home we go.
So by the time we eventually did return home I was more than ready for my inhaler cuddles. I figured the perfect top off to the night would be some of his amazing sex after those cuddles but it turned out we both were ready for rest..
So thats yesterday. I need to take a shower now so ill post today's events in a little while or tomorrow morning.
Tonight I definitely will fuck that man though. We both need the stress relief from today and look forward to pleasing that delicious cock of his.

Friday, August 30, 2013


Well its been some years since I last truly blogged so bare with me in my feeble wordings in attempt to get back into the groove of things.
Being that my Sir wil be leaving in a few months for naval boot camp and wont be able to read my Sub journal for sometime, i figured it would be a good idea to start an online journal to keep myself in the habit while he is gone later on.
I haven't yet decided where to begin though. It seems silly to start from our beginning. But then it also seems strange to just jump to the current moment and endeavors as you all would be completely lost in the words.
So perhaps...with each post i make i will fill you in more on what is happening in that current moment but also tie some of the past which has led us to this point in as well.
Yes..i think that shall be exactly how this blog is constructed.
So where are we today?
Last night Sir gave me some AMAZING sex. I think we both needed some that intense. Mm just thinking about it today is getting me off.
I look so forward to tonight when he gets home from work.
See he works lately, every monday-Friday 5:45am-6:45 pm. Then he sleeps Sunday through Thursday from around 9-11pm through 5am so i hardly get to see him during those days. But on Friday night  through Sunday we spend as much time together as possible.
Well its been a couple months since we've had our weekly date night and last weekend was great we did mechacon and this weekend we are going on a desert and movie date like we used to<3
Im so excited!:D
This weeks dessert is cheesecake but I've no clue what movie he is chosing for us.
I look forward to seeing the look on his face when he sees me all dolled up tonight and wearing his favorite dress with my favorite heels<3