Saturday, November 9, 2013

checking lists

Lately, I seem to be on a downward spiral. My whole life up until the pregnancy I delt with bipolar disorder. I knew when id feel how and what to do about it to keep myself in check for the most part. And on days that it'd be too much to control I'd warn everyone of the temper flips coming in. To me my BPD was sanity. It was order and control. I found solace and balance in my set cycle of moods and thought processing.
now, without it, functioning on a "normal" brain, I feel how I imagine anyone without BPD would feel if they suddenly flipped into having the disorder.
Most days I cant even recollect or comprehend my own thoughts or emotions anymore. Sir can ask me if im alright and all I can say is "I don't know" or ill feel fine most of the day and yet he says I look serious or out of wack, I don't feel that way but I must be that way because suddenly an hour or more later ill completely fall apart for no understandable reason.
Even to focus on anything long enough to type this little bit that I have so far is a challenge. How ironic my anti bipolar mind is being explained very much like text book bipolar emotions...though it's nothing like bipolar. Its a lot more unsettling. A lot more MIS understood for me. A lot more reliant on natural stress and me having to somehow find a way to regulate my own thoughts and understanding of my self and normal stress and emotions.

I have a checklist that was written for me. And to you its probably the most common sense "duh!" rules. For me a lot of it is so difficult and alien of a way to process and command my brain. The newest one added in is to focus solely on what im doing in any given moment rather than processing on 20+ different equations. But on that note, how am I supposed to adhere to that when everytime I do find a quiet place inside, I do manage to write and begin to sort through anything Sir is asking to do this or that for him. I can never wait until the journal or conversation is complete its a sudden interruption. Its throwing me off of my balance. Why did i switch that? This is a perfect example. As im attempting to write this all out he has me get up and go open all of his doors, it couldn't wait five more minutes it had to be now. Just moments before he interrupted me right after telling him i finally found a way to write again and he just wouldn't stop! maybe its intentional?? Another person of sorts that I don't yet understand?
*sigh* anyway back to the rules. Im trying though it doesn't show. I really do WANT to follow them all. I know i need to but some days especially the past two weeks its hard. Its a struggle and it isn't made easier with Sirs antics. I wonder if he even realizes what hes doing. Then agaun im still wuite sure that he does. Almost everything is a thought out thing for him hes always five noves ahead in every action set.
Im ranting again so here ill force myself to go back to the list as i intended to originally before this all.
Its rules that to you are probably natural and obvious.
1) dont let the little things get to you.
(but there are so many little things and lots of little things pave the path for much larger things. His is a struggle)
I've begun my old bipolar mantra of everytime something bothers me asking "in seconds is it worth it? Yes! Gibe in ten minutes is it worth it to act this way? Maybe not...." in ten hours? No..we'll be on to something else and this will be nothing but foolish. Then i take a breath and calm down a bit)
2) talk to some one you are NOT! a burden.
3) let go of things quicker
(which brings back to the mantra)
4)remember the golden rule
5) while someone is enjoying something, be quiet until the end. (i had developed the habit of complaining about all the aspects i didn't like about something while someone else was trying to watch or listen to it)
7) don't let other people's stress get to you
(i worry about other people and their qualms very often and how can i help them, how can i take their stress away. Never mind my own issues)
8) help without helping.
(i don't see myself doing that so much as Sir being the one who breaks that normal person rule. But then...these arent his rules to follow they are mine)
9) don't be a pessimist.
(i look at the positives but i also still calculate every negative that can happen. Thus that rule was created and has proven to be very difficult for me to contain to.)
10) enjoy the little things
(I've always been so caught up in the moment I've been failing to see and appreciate the little things...)
11) try not to over react
12) let go of the bad past!
13) normal emotion is not bipolar! Don't handle anything the same.
(i have this highlighted)
15) follow the checklist! This a bonded order.
(it is not sirs checklist but that of someone else i respect and who's orders i must follow)
And 16 is a rule that i myself added to the list: when you are upset you still HAVE to allow people to touch you instead of balling up!

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