Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Roles Reversed

 Well here is my second attempt at typing this up. I have to now or I know I won't ever and there is alot that needs to be said.
As is I had a lot of details typed for Friday but I don't have it in me to re explain all of that at this moment. Maybe later ill come back and edit and add it in but then....thinking about it maybe I won't. There's a lot of details from that day I'd much prefer to forget.
Well you all know Wednesday sir and i discovered we were two months pregnant. We were so excited!!!
Well Friday i woke up after he was at work in extreme pain and had begun bleeding a little heavier than normal. Through out the day the pain and bleeding progressed and worstened extensively. When I say it was at the end unbeatable I mean it was unbearable. I went from having intense cramps to what I now in a clearer mind recognize as contraptions... Long story very short we went to the hospital and a few hours later after having an IV drawn and blood tests run our baby was expelled from my body.
Before hand I was begging for the results of my blood type and RH factor theynever did tell me though. Eventually the nurse came in after all was said and done and told us she believed that the massive clot I passed was only a clot. I think sir and I both knew she was lying but we so desperately needed to believe that our child was still alive in me so we clung to that little positive blit until Monday as we were instructed to return Monday for further blood checks to know if it was a true miscarriage or not....

We made it home from the hospital around 2 am. Woke up at 8 amfor the trip to my dads... How sir made it I dont know. I slept through mist of the ride glad that he had instructed me to do so.
After many mishaps we finally arrived at my fathers around 2:30, two and half hours later than expected. To my great surprise and relief the visit went really smoothly. My dad took to Sir but also noticed right away my belly despite the lose fitting dress I wore. He kept dropping little hints for us to run with and tell them about the baby but we didn't. In the end it was a visit that restored my faith for the first time since childhood that my father wanted be my dady and care for me.

SUNDAY:  sir and I slept most of the day the cramps were pretty mild for the most part today and I was bleeding far less. Our hopes were high that maybe our baby was still in my belly.

MONDAY: we ran a few arrands then went to eat out at a delicious little Japanese restaurant the talk was delightful and the meal tasted delicious. It was nice to have a romantic lunv date with him. we went to a couple more stores and such looking for supplies for our costumes at fandom con this coming month then went to the hospital. My stomach was in knits and my nerves were through the roof in fear. They took my blood and later came back to tell me my hcg levels dropped drasticly over the weekend signifying a definite completed miscarriage...we broke. My Sir stated strong for me and pulled me back from the abyss. I went into a mute state and had no will to live I couldn't focus my eyes on anygimg not even his eyes every little movement he had to force out of me. The most I could do was lightly hold his finger. Ihad no more apitite or will for survival left....its been awhile since I've been in that place and honestly I don't know how he pulled me out of it but he did.  one of the nurses came in to talk to us not about anything in particular just to talk. We told her of how we had to beg the doctors to tell me my blood type and eh factor and how they never dis tell me one of the attendees today had looked it up for me so we could kniw. We told her how Sirs type is negative and mine is positive. "there's your problem" she exclaimed. "the positive and negative is your eh factor and"
"and" I chimeded in, "negative andpositive can not mix without a rhogam shot...."
"exactly. My husband and I had the same problem except im the negative and he's the positive." so despite the agony we now had an answer to why we now had a solution to the next time after my body is healed and we are ready to try again.
So I guess from every dark moment there really does lay a glimmer of light.

I posted a Facebook status reading "worst. Night. Ever. I just want to lay down and cry with my sir holding me through this. Who'd have thought something so small as a little + and - sign could make such a huge difference"
my dad knew immediately what i was reffering to and started talking to me through it...i never imagined my dad would ever be there for me lije that again the last time he shiwed sobmuch care and understanding i was onky barely 6 years old...

Sir is in a bad place today he couldn't make it to work but I did, my boss needs me and we need the money. I just hope he is ok until I get home...he seemed a little better after I got hum back to sleep for a nap...i hope he can hold his head up until I get home. I wish I could be there to take care of him. And I will as soon as I can.

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