Saturday, October 12, 2013

being lost

Some days being around Kids is theraputic. It helps so much to feel better and ok for the day.
Today however having this screaming laughing kids in the house in the room opposite to me is driving me insane.
I want to scream o want to cry and scratch and hurt physically instead of mentally. Yet somehow im strong enough to not want to go back to cutting and carving to do this....i guess that's progress that stays if you keep yourself in check for a year.
Im so snappy. So angry so...rigid and fragmented today.
Nothing is going right.
I feel like I have no control in ANYTHING not even my own emotions.
I just want to crawl up into a box and marinate in my own pain in one way. But then another part wants to go out and be that stuburn anxty teen that fights any and everything that looks at her wrong just to get out the pain and put it on someone else.
Another part wants to draw and write and wreck havoc on an imaginary world. That's the healthiest closest part to sane i think.
another part of me wants to leave this place and go for a long walk or run somewhere I've never been where no one knows me and i know no one else. I figure if im goibg to feel alone why not at least find escape in the feelings.
How do you survive? How do you function after losing two babies in one year. After trying so hard to even receive that first one....
I feel like i just cant get a break. Every time i think im on the road to being ok again life reminds me im far from it.
how do you hold onto yourself and stop losing yourself when you are a mother but cant even act as such?
When you are a lover but all you feel is pain and anger?
I kniw this is probably going to subside again a little by tomorrow but right now this is what i have.
A man that tries his best but doesn't understand what's goibg through my head because i cant possibly put into words or picture what im feeling.
A man that thinks im pushing him away when really im just struggling to stand up and stay alive.
I have an empty womb and a broken heart.
I have no money with a birthday, a wedding date, thanks giving, Christmas, rent all piled up on top of each other.
I am lost and i dont know how to fi d my way back home to him even though he is usually laying only feet away from me.


  1. That emotional angst can be so hard to escape.Been there myself for a little while, so I know what you mean. I hope that you feel better soon!

    1. It seems to be fading slowly back out for now... Hoping it stays away this time though I know It won't, im still hoping

  2. I lost two pregnancies in six months. After the second I was anaemic and depressed. I'm not going to tell you will bounce back, because I didn't for a while. I almost gave up after the second time, it was traumatic. I have two kids now, not just like that, but they came eventually. Feeling lost, isolated, I remember those emotions and they do go because in the end you keep going and hope comes back.

    1. My two were in the span of 7 months...i had just gotten over the first one just after that 6 month mark so I can only imagine how hard it had to be for you as well not even having time to recover from the first so sorry. It gives me some strength to know though that these emotions and feelings are normal. And im so glad you got the two you have<3 Sir and I are hoping to eventually have three (2 boys one girl)

  3. I am so sorry for your loss and just want to wish you the best for the future. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to deal with these issues? Good luck.


    1. I haven't yet considered it...i think I will definitely need one when sir leaves with the military. Just right now I don't have the finances to go to one so im going the best I can which, admittedly, isn't too impressive some days